Dear James,
I think of you and Sundari. I send you both a hug. I have been deep in reflections, in contemplations of myself. How difficult it is to express with words…
If I think: I feel satisfaction, there is already duality here. But if I think: I am satisfaction, duality vanishes. I investigate how I can immerse myself in all objects, including thoughts, mind, etc., so that more and more of the substrate is exposed, so that all the contours of the objects show themselves to be apparent.
If I breathe focused on me, I am moved to see that the breath is me. I unveil myself, I show myself without disguise. I see Existence cease to be an idea and I see it as something palpable, incarnate. Do you understand what I mean?
James: Yes. This is very beautiful writing. It is very moving, your bhakti.
This search touches me, moves me. I am not afraid to see. I am not afraid of the attachment to individuality fading away.
Since our last conversations about my doubts regarding my marriage, I went through a deep process of self-observation. Despite the agitation of the mind, the internal conflict, the urge to act on impulse, I have tried to observe all this and investigate what was behind the crisis. I tried to practice Karma Yoga, hung my qualifications on the bathroom mirror to look at them daily, etc.
My Jiva went through many changes. I can stay home alone for many days and don’t feel the need to have friends around to keep me company… Being in contact with other people is no longer important to me.
When I am with people around, I don’t feel bad, but depending on the degree of superficiality that can happen in encounters, people can bore me… I can’t feel connected to many people. My biggest enjoyment is reflecting on Yoga and Vedanta, and I don’t have many people around me with that interest. I try to accommodate… Do you see this as something negative?
James: Absolutely not. That is exactly the way things are with me. You are on the best path that isn’t a path.
I have also lost the sex drive or it has become very weak. I feel more open, more attentive, more available for my husband, but sexually it feels like something has worn off. I don’t see sexual intercourse as important anymore. Sometimes I have the feeling, if I separate tomorrow, that I don’t need to look for another partner. When we talked in the past about my crisis in marriage, it seemed unthinkable to me to live without a partner, without sex. Today this prospect doesn’t scare me. Anyway, I am married and my partner has sexual desire. Perhaps what is happening to me could represent a problem in my marriage. But I would like to ask you if I should see what is happening to me as something negative.
James: It is a completely positive way to be. You don’t need someone to lean on even when you think you do. The spiritual path is a path to independence. Sex is fine when you don’t need it. But it is quite natural to loose interest. It is a typical samsaric habit, limited in every way.
In my personal life, I remain productive, I work, pay my bills, organize my house… In my relationships with people I try to be helpful and kind. My level of transparency has increased. When I don’t like something, I look for a way to show it to the other person with care and love.
James: Learning how to assert yourself in such a way that others get the message but don’t feel rejected or hurt is wonderful. I love this letter, the kindness, the transparency. You are a pure soul.
I say all this because when we start on the spiritual path, there is a risk that we will want to drop everything and go to a cave in the Himalayas, to an ashram… Sometimes I wonder whether or not this desire to be alone, the decrease in sexual desire that I am experiencing, contributes to the duties that I have to fulfill in order to burn my vasanas, my karma, etc.
James: The desire to be alone is the aloneness vasana eating up the worldly vasanas. When you think about it, we are always alone even when we are surrounded by people. Nobody can get into the Self. Swamiji used to say, “The spiritual path is walking all alone to the alone (the all one).”
Everything just happens… It is not the fruit of my Jivas decision… And I do not see it as positive or negative… I think, I just observe it… I used to write fiction in the past… But I did not write the texts at all… The texts wrote themselves… The act of writing used to show me what would happen with the characters. It was not my decision at all… I think life is like that… We observe and it shows us what is the next task. The Jivas life writes itself.
A big hug. Love, Francine
Om and Prem,
James