Viktor: Thanks for the opportunity to write to you and ask for help.
I (writing as the Jiva) have a vasana that creates a lot of pain and suffering.
I have always had a value for being healthy and fit. I have been married 20 years and particularly in the earlier years of my marriage/relationship my wife had the same values, she ran, took gym classes, and practiced yoga regularly, she would even meditate with me on a regular basis.
Since our son was born 15 years ago, she started to lose interest in the above, and even more so in the last few years. At this time, she does little to no exercise and is probably about 25 pounds overweight at a height of 5 feet.
I have tried to encourage her to lose weight for her health and energy, she will try for a week or so, but then gives up. I feel she also starts in the first place to please me.
This behaviour is where the frustration begins for me, I (the Jiva) want things to be better/different. I try to use accommodation, which as Ramji says in his guna book is a value to cultivate because when we are feeling dissatisfied we should lower our expectations, as my wife’s vasanas are Isvara, and if I rub against Isvara I will only lose.
I also remind myself of the truth that there is no joy in objects and desiring my wife to be slim and healthy will not bring freedom (which I want ultimately !) Plus, I apply the knowledge ‘I am whole and complete, I need nothing’
But, damn this vasana is so strong in me and wants to resist the reality of the situation and want it to be different so the Jiva feels secure!
I sometimes ask myself, if my wife doesn’t share this value, and never changes or the situation with her weight, health got worse, what are my options? From a Vedanta perspective, I guess the solution is to accept the situation as a gift from Isvara through Karma Yoga and work with that, and yet sometimes my fear is so strong I want to run away and live on my own !!!
Based on the above, if you could provide some feedback/advice on my dilemma Sundari, I would really appreciate it.
Sundari: On the face of things, your problem with your wife is pretty superficial, and I think you know this. But then none of the problems we have as jivas are really about what we think they are about. Our dissatisfaction and suffering are always caused by ignorance of our true nature as the Self and in trying to find a solution to our suffering outside of ourselves. In other words, looking to objects to make us happy or to complete us.
Vedanta is about discriminating you, the Self (satya), that which is always present and unchanging, from the objects that appear in you, that which is not always present and always changing, the jiva (mithya). As there is no doubt that you and your wife share the same identity as the Self, ‘her’ body like yours is mithya. Furthermore, as the Self, ‘your’ wife is not your wife, and you are not ‘her’ husband. Those are just words for the roles you play as jivas to work out your karma.
You say your primary desire is to be free, but do you understand what this entails? Freedom from the limited small identity as a jiva requires qualifications, dedicated self-inquiry, and surrender to the scripture as the boss. Freedom means freedom from and for the jiva. You are asking this question as a jiva, and you want answers as a jiva. But I can only help with what is required for Self-inquiry, not what is required to make you happy as a jiva. The two are connected of course, but the main objective of self-inquiry is not to give you a perfect jiva life and for all your likes and dislikes to be met, but to remove your ignorance of yourself as the Self. This requires proper examination of said likes and dislikes.
Your desire for things to be different and for your wife to regain her svelte physical appearance pre-motherhood is shallow but understandable from a mithya perspective. However, if you really love someone, what they look like is not important to you. One may still hope that our partners remain healthy but trying to control them or change them is against the rules of love.
Even without knowledge of the Self, real love accepts everything about the beloved and does not want to change them. So perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is why it is so important to you what your wife looks like? It can only mean three things: that you are still strongly identified with the body, yours and ‘hers’, that you do not really love her for who she is, and/or, there is a much deeper problem in your marriage that neither of you is facing.
Though your wife tries half-heartedly to give you what you want, it seems she does not really want to. Why? What has happened in your life, does she feel pressurized by you to look attractive and thus feels demeaned? It is likely that her lack of interest in taking care of her body is a symptom of a much deeper problem, either medically or psychologically. If there is nothing medically wrong with her then she may be depressed and unhappy for various reasons.
Certainly, knowing that her physical appearance is such a problem for you cannot be helping. Most people are very sensitive about their body image. I don’t know the details of your life story but perhaps you could try couple’s therapy? An outside and objective professional perspective may be a safe way for you both to investigate what is the root cause of your unhappiness.
Vedanta is not intended to resolve issues like this for the reasons mentioned above. It is not your parent and cannot tell you what course of action is right for you, though it does give you the tools to make the correct (meaning dharmic) choices for you. If karma yoga is not working, then either you are not really practicing it properly or it can’t work because something has to change.
Karma yoga is about full surrender to Isvara, consecrating all actions/thoughts/feelings and desires to Isvara in the spirit of total trust, humility, and gratitude. It is about seeing everything and everyone as God and loving them as such. But if the love has died in your marriage, karma yoga will not work, and you need to address what is the dharmic course of action for you both. If there is still love then you need to confront the issue honestly and lovingly, preferably with some professional help.
Have you read my book The Yoga of Relationships? In it, I explain why having a contract with your partner which covers your personal and shared values and is regularly renewed is so important. Marriage is about love, and without love no marriage is happy. But marriage is also transactional; to work properly, both parties need to know why they are in it and what they want from it. It is amazing how many people in long-term relationships just do not know how to talk honestly about things that are important to them and why.
There are so many self-help books on relationships, but most problems start with the breakdown of communication, projection, and unfair and unmet expectations. Couples were either never really on the same page in terms of values or grow apart and cannot find their way back to each other. Most people are not married to another person. They are married to their own vasanas.
Love does not require you to lower your expectations. The only requirement of love is to love. Nobody makes us happy or unhappy. Perhaps neither of you want to face the bigger issue for fear of what you will find. But it will not go away. What do you really want? Do you think you will be happier with a thin wife? You may be for a while, but it won’t last. There is no joy in objects. The joy resides solely in you, regardless of your wife’s weight.
Viktor: Thanks, Sundari for your response, much appreciated. To be honest, it feels like a mirror has been held up to me – which feels humbling. The reality is, I am projecting my own insecurities onto my wife. It is also clearer to me because of your words that I am not practicing karma yoga properly and to be truly free I need to hunker down and make karma yoga a priority, if as you say “freedom” is what I want. The teachings need to be my number one priority in my life, and I need to remind myself regularly to “take a stand in Awareness” as the Self.
One really does have to put the teachings front and centre of one’s life, a middling passion for moksha is not going to work! Your note – is just what I needed!
Much love and thanks
Sundari: I am glad to be of help. There is so much psychological pressure on jivas to focus on the body, it is hard not to get conditioned even if we know it is nonsense. Body issues are never about the body but always about our jiva insecurities. It’s no wonder because a mind under the spell of Maya has so much to be insecure about, and is very sensitive too! Samsaric relationships are so tricky because it is so easy to project onto ones’ partner as they are an extension of you. A mirror, as you say. None of our jiva issues are about anyone else as there is no one else. Good for you for recognizing the projection and seeing it for what it is and how it relates to your sadhana.
Once we truly surrender in trust to Isvara transformation can begin, and though that process is not usually easy, it is liberating. If you have a burning desire for moksa, Vedanta works if you apply it. Start off by taking a fearless moral inventory and track yourself on the qualifications for self-inquiry. Make sure you know what they are. Dismiss all thoughts of dissatisfaction about your wife or yourself as they arise, just keep your head down and do karma yoga one thought at a time.
If you need help with the direction of your inquiry or have any doubts, don’t hesitate to write to us.
Much love
Sundari