Sam: Lately, the world seems to be so threatening, even though I know intellectually it’s not real. I realize how blessed I am to see life through the lens of the nondual teachings of Vedanta, but it seems I am still a prisoner of my fearful jiva identity. There are days that life seems so full of imminent danger that it feels impossible to live. Do you know what I mean?
Sundari: Yes, I know what you mean, I am sure most would. Even a little bit of Self-knowledge can be life changing, but that does not mean that duality gives up easily. It really is hardwired into our DNA. If we identify with life as jivas, life can seem pretty brutal. There are constant and powerful reminders that life is uncontrollable and unpredictable; that we, and our peace of mind, are fragile. Life for a jiva is fraught with danger because nothing is as it seems; it’s a zero sum.
All of us have at some time experienced shadows covering the mind that seem to make each step treacherous, as if the world has or is about to tilt on its axis. At such times we feel alone, as though we are about to slide off into the abyss. Virginia Woolf’s Mrs. Dalloway put it well …
‘She always had the feeling that it was very, very dangerous to live even one day’
Thankfully, you do have the nondual teachings as your life-line to prevent you falling in, or to pull you out of the abyss if you do. When the mind is overwhelmed by duality, residual ignorance may block access to Self-knowledge temporarily, which allows fear to return with a vengeance. But the saving grace is that the Self can never leave you or be lost. It is always present, indestructible, inviolate, unchangeable. The only true ‘safe place’ for the jiva.
Sam: In other moments I have had to practice saying no to God…which was harder than I thought it would be. The usual excuses popped up. No need to BECOME a slave of God of course, because I don’t have a choice to start out with. But the dragon of fear needs to be slain in every way it pops up, because it doesn’t make any sense.
Sundari: Thank you for sharing this insight, it is such an important one. You are so right – the fear dragon never makes sense, but it can be very convincing. You are a true soldier of God, your service is unfailingly impeccable, totally and spontaneously generous. But to truly be of service to God as God requires slaying the fear monster in all its many forms. In spiritual people, it so often appears as the ‘cannot say no’ monster.
The fear of saying no is based on the fear of not being good enough. Basically, low self-esteem, one of the worst parts of identifying with being ‘human’, which is such a strange guna concoction of light and dark. This fear monster clouds the fact that our essence beyond that of being human is Love. Not as a feeling, but as a fact. This Love is not always ‘nice’ and it is not always saying yes but no. To have the courage to be and love as God means not minding having all of God’s faces, seemingly ‘good or bad’.
Sam: On bad days when fear takes over again, I find it hard not to be cynical. It creeps up on me like a black fog and I feel powerless against it…
Sundari: Like everything else positive and negative we can call part of being ‘human’, cynicism lies dormant in each of us. It is a defence mechanism against failed hopes and dreams crushed under Maya’s heavy boot. Cynicism often masquerades as noble and intelligent – even smart, but it is actually the opposite. A doubting function can be expansive and is important because life is not what it seems; but cynicism is a limiting, contracting force. It is inherently uncreative, unconstructive, and worst of all, spiritually corrosive. It will eat your soul.
Don’t just resist it, actively fight it, especially in yourself. Counter it in those you love by modelling its opposite – which is not fickle hope but faith in the fundamental goodness of the universe. Cynicism kills growth. Life – Isvara – does not tolerate stasis. In the absence of growth, decay and entropy devour self-esteem along with any hope of joy. Like all forms of destruction, cynicism is infinitely easier, lazier and more dangerous than construction. Living with sincerity and open-hearted faith is much more difficult, but much more gratifying as a human being. How much more beautiful is life for the jiva lived this way.
As a Self-realized Vedantin, your main orientation is towards actualizing Self-knowledge, which is impervious to all things human including cynicism and hope. The Self is the quiet engine of truth always humming in the background, keeping everything going, allowing for all expressions to exist. It does not judge or require hope because it is identified with nothing but itself. When known, the Self manifests as fearless self-confidence. What is there to fear or hope for if you are everything?
Sam: What is holding me back as a jiva are things in my life regarding ‘other’ people that are still hard to forgive, especially with my husband.
Sundari: As a jiva, in any bond of depth and significance forgiveness is the prerequisite to accommodation and peace of mind because all jivas are flawed. A wise samsari woman (Marina Popova) said: “the best relationships are like lifeboats, but they are also need to be like submarines that descend to the darkest and most disquieting places, to the unfathomed trenches of the soul where our deepest shames and foibles and vulnerabilities live, where we are less than we would like to be. Forgiveness is the alchemy by which the shame transforms into the honor and privilege of being invited into another’s darkness and having them witness your own with the undimmed light of love, of sympathy, of nonjudgmental understanding. Forgiveness is the engine of buoyancy that keeps the submarine rising again and again toward the light, so that it may become a lifeboat once more”.
I think that is the best description I have heard of what it takes to live with the fact of another person – whether you know that the person is real, or not. The difference with a Vedantin is that we have the means of knowledge at our disposal for ignorance of our true nature – samsara – to be removed from our minds. Even if duality is not fully but partially active in the mind, we still have that lifeline. The only out card of the stickiness of life is Self-knowledge. Hold tight to it like a deep sea diver holds onto a guideline, and trust it to bring you ‘home’, to the light you are, when the currents of life take you astray. That too will pass.
Duality is only dangerous and fear inducing when we don’t know what it is. When we do, we are free to enjoy it for what it is without fear of pain and loss. What is so interesting once nonduality starts to take over how we perceive life, is to contrast Self-knowledge with duality. It’s like an Escher painting – have you ever seen one? Escher cleverly hides images within images that are at first very hard to detect. But once you see them, you cannot not see them anymore.
Ignorance (duality) is like that. Once you know what it is you cannot not see it even though it can still trip you up if there are still residual jiva issues lurking. It’s OK. They will go when they go. Think of fear as an acronym for : False Evidence Appearing Real. Don’t let it stop you from taking every step with joy. So what if you fall? It may seem like you will fall further into ignorance, but in fact, you can only ever fall into the Self.
Choose joy consciously, deliberately, with confidence because it is always there as the Self. Even when the weight of the world presses heavy with sorrow, pulling on the mind like gravity, demanding a response, reach for joy as your salvation. Real joy is not a function of a life free of friction and frustration, but a function of Self-knowledge. While Self-knowledge does not guarantee the jiva a life free of pain and loss — it gives us the tools with which to weave the threads of our lives into pure gold.
Hang in there when ‘the world is too much with you’. When life makes you feel like you are a tightrope walker traversing a war zone, trust the safety net of Self-knowledge to catch you when you fall. It always works.
Much love
Sundari
