The only story
Ramji,
I appreciate your encouragement to tell my story. I think I will eventually do it at some point. At present I feel like I am inside a sort of cocoon. After meditation this morning I read a passage in Swami Chinmayananda’s Gita that spoke about a seeker who comes right up to the gate and “bars his own entrance” due to lingering vasanas. This is me. In my earlier years I made incredible progress in meditation but my lack of knowledge and my desires sent me tumbling back down the mountain seeking success as a virtuous person in the world. I have fulfilled those desires and now see the zero sum nature of them. At this point my ability to hold those structures in place is failing.
I no longer have the inner drive to “be spiritual” or make a difference or teach anyone anything. That is not to say that I will refuse to help someone on the path if Isvara places them in front of me but I am now all too aware of how my own need to give Jason meaning and legacy has infected all the work I have done in the past, further binding me to the feeling of goodness and value, dependent on the validation of the relationships and identities that grow up around that desire. My mind is withdrawing from the world.
There is only one joy worth pursuing and there is no more room for egotistic endeavors, however subtle they may be. The Self is a guardian. There can be no pretension, no pride, no agendas for future attainment and application. I am a baby on the spiritual path, showing only my first sharp teeth and enduring the pain of development. I have only begun to slash at the enemy. But I can see him now. I see his signature of greed woven into the myriad of identities concocted to attain pointless goals. He is ignorance. He is too powerful. Only God can save me. As the structures of a life built on a desire for virtue and legacy fall away I find myself back at the door, very wary of the desire to be noticed or appreciated. It too must go. There is only one goal worth attaining. Only one sanctuary.
two days later
You were right. Looking back over our emails does have a lot of value. Over the past few days I have come face to face with the darkest soul crushing pain I have ever experienced, at least since childhood. At the worst part I couldn’t help but feel like putting a bullet in my head was an option, ashamed as I am to admit it.
Ramji: Don’t be too hard on yourself. It was a compassionate thought, wanting to rid the Self of suffering.
But the person who needs to die is not me. It is the character I have been playing my whole life. It is the story I have made up about the events in the movie. The meaning I have given everything as if everyone else’s life is only real as it pertains to me.
Ramji: Yes, that born person is a self-centered child, others are unknown to him but now Vedanta has objectified him. He is just one among many, not special in any way.
As I read back over the emails I can see the thought process emerging slowly. The agenda to become a “knower” of truth sitting proudly next the character called Jason who is slowly working out the implications of the knowledge. It does have value. As does the present situation. Spirit has indeed chosen to awaken the truth within this expression called life.
We started back in March of 2015. I am in awe of your willingness to endlessly go back and forth with me. You must really enjoy teaching because even I look back and doubt whether I would have the patience to teach someone as mired in illusion and delusion as I was when I first started.
Ramji: Well, I’m loyal to the one who perseveres. I never write anyone off, even people who insult me and walk away, not immediately realizing they are insulting themselves…until they do. Then they are too ashamed to come back and work it out, although this week I got an email from a person who treated me badly ten years ago, who wants to reconnect. I welcomed her with open arms. It’s not patience because there is no time for me. It’s just understanding, which is compassion.
The present pain I have been experiencing is the raw feeling of separation devoid of an object to blame. How else would it be possible except to lose everything and discover the awful truth of this belief of separation sitting behind every fear and desire. Yes the person needs to die. Not cease to exist but the story needs to go. All of it is nothing more than an interpretation of fictitious events. The other characters have their own version. None of it is real. That person in pain is not real. He has collapsed under the weight of Self Inquiry. The only thing left to do is sit still and pick off the straggling binding vasanas that show up late to the party looking for a person who no longer exists. Like bandits showing up to the rendezvous with their leader.
They will only find me, the Self, standing over his dead body. Every thought and emotion designed to resurrect the doer is suspect. Time to disappoint everyone and their expectations. Time to leave the tribe. Maybe one day I will return to help others, but on my terms. I am no longer an Indian. I am no longer bound by the expectations of others. The person they all want and expect me to be is not real. I will continue to do what I feel is right. But it has to be for the right reasons.
Ramji: Yes, it’s all about the right reasons.
I have been a taker my whole life in cohoots with other takers. Time to give from an authentic place of compassion for others lost in the maze. It is of no consequence who is helped or how many. One or a million. It’s all up to Isvara anyway. I don’t NEED to do anything. Because of that I CAN do anything. Even love those who see me as a villain in their fictitious story. Albeit from a far if necessary. God bless. I have started a little intro to set up the edited emails. We’ll see how far it gets. But so far I’m happy with it. It begins ” The story you are about to read is not true.”
Ramji: There is only one story worth telling…HIS story.