Seeker: This email is concerned with the apparent reality, my expression; I do not refer to the absolute reality, i.e. myself. Let’s call it the ways of the Lord are inscrutable or how Isvara is playing the cards.
It was two years ago that Vedanta came to me. I listened to satsangs from Ramji mostly all the time. One day, he was talking about the vasanas and qualifications for Vedanta, and after checking myself I thought, “There is some little work to do, but all in all I have a light vasana package: I am financially independent and my life is well-balanced, qualifications are there. I’m a lucky guy, after 15 years on the spiritual path I finally found this complete knowledge with this excellent teacher, so I’m good to go. They were some fine adjustments to do here and there (smiley).”
After some time listening to the karma yoga teaching, gratefulness for “my” life appeared, especially for my family, but gratitude in general came with the understanding that every little thing in life is given to me.
The relationship with my wife was highly passionate. We had a lot of issues, ups and downs, and she said that she didn’t feel connected and wanted more love/attention from me. So since I was happy, I started to love her more, but evidently this “new” attention/love wasn’t to her liking and she fell in love with another guy, and went into the same pattern with him: longing for love!
My whole life was switched upside down. I felt very sad and lost. I had this soulmate idea, that she is the one and only perfect woman for me, that with nobody else could I have THIS intimacy, that we are just the perfect couple and the perfect family, and without her I could never be really happy.
I recognized I still thought the the joy is in the object, but I continued listening to the teachings. So there was this Ramji guy telling me that I’m okay, that I’m fine. He said the joy is (in) me, not in the object, and some part of me believed it. I felt so needy and dependent on the attention/love from this woman. This was a hard reality crash, and my love bubble collapsed.
And I started to see me (jivaji) as I am, a needy, little dependent person, useless without the love of a woman. And after almost one year I got the proof that the scripture is right: without a woman – or anyone else – I’m really good, fine, okay.
Isvara used some hard blows to shake off ignorance and organized my life around a different principle: freedom!
This story proved that life is not at all about me, and I accepted it. Without the relationship I finally had space and time to sort out my stuff. I had to pay a high price, but it was absolutely worth it. Like James and Sundari say, “What price freedom?” To assimilate and contemplate the sweet truth (atma anatma viveka) we need a peaceful mind, a peaceful environment. Isvara took care of that. So even if I do not always understand immediately or like where God puts me down here, I have full confidence in his decisions and focus on the upside of every situation.
Pranams to Ramjji for being the candle in the dark for me.
The light of knowledge is removing the darkness of ignorance: first covered, then flickering, then clear and luminous, I am. Pranams to Isvara, the great giver, to the scripture, the whole sampradaya back to Shankara and before. Pranams to ShiningWorld!
