How to Get a Relationship

Dear James,

We have known each other for a long time and I trust you to steer me in the right direction. It took me a while to find out that my drive to overload myself with work is based on the belief that a relationship might come if I involve myself in the world more. I think I know what you will say, but please give me your opinion. I thought of asking you many times but it just didn’t seem right. I’m ready to take bad news as tough love.

James: Lovely to hear from you Keith. Here’s my opinion for what its worth. If you put yourself out in public, you will attract attention for sure.  But what will you do with it if you aren’t relaxed?  You don’t seem to realize that in worldly terms you have it made. People in your position can relax, although most don’t.  You are like the Buddha who was a dissatisfied rich prince.  Getting a relationship shouldn’t be much trouble. 

Keeping one is much more difficult, especially for self-obsessed people who have self-esteem issues.  Here’s a bit of counterintuitive advice.  You could stand to be more extroverted mentally.  Learn how to discover people’s needs better and cater to them…up to a point.  You will feel better about yourself and people will be more attracted to you.

In social situations you often seem stressed so you tend to either get aggressive to mask your insecurity or you tend to default and withdraw into your own thoughts, in which case you won’t learn what is expected of you by others and will therefore be unable to satisfy their desires which will cause tension all around.  Situations happen by God’s grace and we are meant to make a contribution if we want to please God. Relationships are opportunities to grow spiritually.

People don’t want relationships for freedom unless it is a relationship with a free person.  Most just want their needs met.  If you put pressure on yourself getting a relationship, imagine double pressure when you get one because people need to have their desires satisfied or they get cranky. 

Most of the women who would be interested in you would be interested in marriage and a family, I suppose.  You’ve got most of the circumstantial qualifcations, the looks, the brain and finacial security. So, you need to take considerable time to get to know them before you get intimate with them or you will face a lot of disappointment.  If you find joy in your spiritual practice sadhana and let a person who has the same value for spiritual practice discover it, then you then the odds of a healthy relationship aren’t bad assuming you do it with the karma yoga attitude.   

Of course, the best way to get a relationship is not to want a relationship! But you can’t fake indifference if you want something. Women will sniff it out right away. Good luck and keep me posted on your progress.

Love,
James