Questioner: Hello, dear Sundari.
I remember emailing you a couple of months ago. You showed respect and insight, which is why I decided to write to you once again.
A couple of weeks ago, my brother had a psychotic episode. Having a mental illness myself, it showed me that “I am not my disease.” It came to me that he is just my brother, just as I am myself. I realized I could go on with my life, not playing the victim or putting a label on myself as being sick anymore.
During this time, my last binding vasana left me, which was the use of medication. I kept wondering: if I am not this jiva, then I must also not be my brain. This thought kept bothering me for an entire year.
A couple of weeks later, the sense of doership completely dropped. I realized myself as awareness.
It’s kind of funny; you wrote to me, “Will you never identify with the individual again?” To which I replied, I won’t. I now know I still had some issues to work out.
But this sense of freedom, my gosh.
I cannot say I am “witnessing” the jiva, nor can I say I am more “in” my body.
It’s more like a profound sense of satisfaction, which has nothing to do with whichever object the jivacontacts.
It strikes me as absolutely funny that jivas believe “I sit, I walk, I do, I enjoy, I’m happy, I’m sad” and so on.
When the Self is known, where does free will come into play?
Free will is absolutely non-existent, but that doesn’t mean that jivas won’t make “negative” or “positive” choices.
As the Self you’re really just thinking (if the Self could think): “Oh, he goes to the left. Oh, he takes a right.”
It’s a great comedy show, with its ups and downs, just like every life.
But there is a huge difference in knowing the apparent reality to be apparent versus taking it to be real.
If it’s apparent, I’m not responsible for it!
I’m just hoping you can send me some inspiring thoughts because that is what you do, you inspire me.
~ Much love
Sundari: Great email! The sense of perfect satisfaction you experience, if it is permanent, is a sure sign that moksa is too. Ramji talks about this in the article on Self-inquiry in our latest newsletter, make sure you read it.
There is no free will for the Self, because there is nothing to choose from, there is only the Self. The jivahas relative free will or no success on the material plane would be possible, but of course it’s all mithya.
I do not think you need inspiration. Why would you when you are that which makes inspiration possible? Can there be anything more inspiring than you, the Self?
Well done to you for sticking with your sadhana no matter what.
Thank you for writing, our reward is hearing how unfailingly the knowledge works.
May it continue to bless every moment of your life as the jiva, even as you are the source of the blessings.
~ Much love, Sundari