Ramji,
My inquiry has reached a point where the motivation to engage in previously “necessary” activities has all but vanished. Should I get another relationship? No. Do I need to run around trying to “help” people?? No. Do I need more education so I can attempt to lift my head above the ignorant masses? No. Do I need to write or speak so others can appreciate the depths of my understanding? No. Do I need to constantly entertain myself with music or travel or new experiences? No. ….Nothing is gonna do the trick. I don’t know what’s left really. I feel fine. But if I disengage with all my previously selfishly motivated actions its possible my friends may think I lost my mind and have me committed.
Ramji: How about getting some new friends? Committed for what? General malaise? And how does the “I feel fine” statement keep company with the “what to do with my life” statement?
But here’s the real issue. God has not shown up to bless me with any solid sense of fulfillment either. I am in between. Just dealing with the random mental demands for object satisfaction but not being able to convince my self that any of it is a good idea.
Ramji: What’s God got to do with it? You have to validate yourself. Why can’t you just call off the search? You know it doesn’t work.
I am seriously considering a period of self-imposed isolation. At least with respect to attending cultural functions, social events, or even serving as a spiritual guide. What business do I have helping others when I have yet to completely eradicate my own ignorance?
Ramji: I think that’s a good idea. Love of solitude is one of the definitions of a self-actualized person. Of course it’s hard to enjoy yourself when you don’t enjoy yourself.
Is this normal ? I don’t feel depressed. And if feelings of sadness or self pity arise they don’t stick for more than an hour maybe?
Ramji: Normal for whom? It’s normal for a neurotic mind. I’d identify with “I feel fine. I don’t feel depressed.” Why second guess them? A person is little more than the thought that is playing in his or her mind at a given moment.
Thoughts are intentional. If you validate a negative thought, a doubt for instance, you will get stuck in uncertainty. If you validate “I feel fine” you will feel fine. Both the positive and the negative thoughts are Isvara. It’s up to you to use your free will to associate with the thought that mirrors what you really are. If you have a doubt, scripture says, “I feel fine” is the truth. Ramji says, “I feel fine” is the truth.
Well, “I am fine” is better but “I feel fine” is a good start. You don’t have to do anything about “I am fine.?” But you need to keep thinking “I feel fine” to feel fine.
What motivation do I have to engage with a transactional reality when there is no longer anything for me to gain?
Ramji: Precisely.
I’m either doing good or losing my mind. Maybe both at the same time. If that makes any sense.
Ramji: You are “doing good” when you think “I’m OK” and you are losing your mind when you think something is wrong with you.
Love,
Ramji
