Good morning Sundari,
Thank you once again for the wonderful clarification of karma yoga. Yes, I need to let go of the doership. I tried to protect him along the way, which was very difficult since he did a lot of illegal stuff and undertook many risky projects. Yet he was very loving and gentle —- only harm he would do was more towards himself. During the messy divorce, he was only 3 years old and very unfortunately witnessed depressed and occupied parents for his first 4 years. Of course, he couldn’t understand the depression of his mother and probably felt a lack of love. He developed a strong need for ‘kicks’ in the form of illegal stuff and the most recent, driving fast bikes. Almost like he didn’t value his life that much.
I did all I could, but it was not easy since every 6 months, something else came along. We were raided by the police; he danced with danger which is of course very sad …. needing these kicks to feel himself maybe.
I was very much in the doer mode, trying to keep him moving in the right direction and with some success in the last 12 months (completed school, got a great job, appeared to be much happier), but as you say, it is not up to me, and my ego is annoyed with having lost something very valuable. Karma yoga is now my new practice thanks to you and Ram.
Sundari: I can only imagine what you must have gone through. It is so hard to parent a child at the best of times and especially when we have so much going on in our own lives. No parent is perfect or can save their child from their karma, even when the child suffered because of your circumstances. We can only do our best with the knowledge we have and the hand life deals us. There are no mistakes in life, and only Isvara knows why anything happens, there is nobody to blame. Your son was born to you for reasons you are not responsible for and will never know, and it does not matter anyway, because he was never really your son and you were not his parent. Like you, he is the Self. As ‘your’ son, he lived out his karma, causing himself and you much grief, and when it was done, his prarabdha karma ended. Now he is at peace. As hard as it is, it is up to you to find peace in his passing knowing that he never really passed.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
With much love
Sundari
