Carl: James, although on one hand I know I am awareness, I am! But on the other, I felt never so dumb, so stupid, so powerless about the me, this story of me. And I still go on being this guy who seems more like a machine then a living being. A machine that doesn’t learn! It is as if I’m living in the wrong body, with the karma of a man I know very well but has nothing to do with my real me. You understand?
Do I need to just accept this man, with all his infantile thoughts and actions? Play the game? Well, that’s what I’m doing and doing it well, I guess. Most people like me and I like me too (besides the above).
It’s not that I want to be a saint or anything. Living a simple life is enough.
But I do live a simple life! What do you want, more or less?
I integrate my knowledge of Vedanta, the understanding, in my daily life, my daily thoughts and feelings especially. That’s what I want. And also in my dreams, please, because often I wake up in the morning with stories you wouldn’t believe.
Or do I describe here the life of the witness, and should I just accept this life I live as it comes? If so, why do I want to be enlightened? (Yeah, I know, to be unattached.)
I’m sending this message to you right away. Tomorrow morning I will probably think it’s nonsense. Why bother, James? But I really want to know. I’m confused.
With lots of love.
James: You answered your own question. Love yourself. You are what you are. Carl is what he is. Do inquiry on the thought that there is something wrong with him. Why do you believe that thought? It just makes you miserable. That part exists, but it is not real. You can’t change what isn’t real. You can only see it as mithya, which means that it is as good as non-existent. The vasanas that make up that subtle body were formed lifetimes ago and were reinforced for a large part of this life before you knew who you are. You know who you are. These samskaras are like a fetus in a womb. They will come out when the time is right. There is nothing you can do. If you woke up today and realized your anxiety was nonsense, you would be right.
~ Much love, James