Hello James,
I wonder if you’d be so kind as to give me some perspective.
Going through a divorce with 4 kids. Think ultimately we had difference’s, specifically my wife is caught up in the world of objects, with pride in owing all her doing and enjoying, maybe Narcissistic and constantly trying to get one up on me and full of spite – that I feel, maybe as an Empath?
James: I’m sorry to hear that Edward. It doesn’t take a lot of empathy to suss out the nature of spiteful narcissistic extroverted doer. It does sometimes take a lot of empathy to sympathize them, however. What’s her complaint about your character? What objects are you caught up in? Wife, kids and inlaws, perhaps?
I’m try to be more relaxed and not in the habit for taking immense credit for my success’s and let them go and also responsibilities and attachment to my kids and hand them over to Ishwara?
James: That’s good. When you understand Isvara properly, relaxation comes naturally. That understanding entails knowing that they aren’t “your” kids and serving them as Isvara’s kids, which means that all credit goes to Isvara. A karma yogi is someone who is happy knowing that he or she is serving Isvara. Your successes are actually due to Isvara, the factor that gave you your talents and abilities and the motivation to act out your ambitions. There isn’t one thing that we value that didn’t come from Isvara, meaning your environment.
I am trying to manage gunas to help me focus and deal with all the business of it. If I meditate then sometimes I get into a state of bliss, but if feels like I am in denial or there is a background anxiety to my security and life moving forward.
James: Well, meditation is good in so far as it produces momentary bliss but Vedanta’s idea of meditation is applying the knowledge of satya and mithya to daily life. The fact that you use the words “trying to” suggests that you are only partially successful at your spiritual practice.
The losses i.e., the relationship with my kids, the disappointment of how things turned out, and the irritation of my In-laws interfering seem very real and impactful – and have anger and resentment that they don’t see me and judge me.
James: It’s good to admit disappointments, irritations and unwanted outcomes. Yes, if you love Isvara you can let Isvara deal with “your” wife, kids and in-laws, but only if you understand that you didn’t do your due diligence when you fell in love and had children and are clear that you are going to be a tad more discriminating when the desire for love comes calling next time. Letting Isvara deal with it means backing off trying to get a particular outcome and observing what happens. You may realize that you never had them to lose in the first place, which is a great gain.
Thoughts and feelings regarding the divorce are very painful, subtle, and I’m uncertain about how my life will now unfold. I push thoughts away, but some are there maybe to teach a lesson? Or not?
James: Well, Edward, nobody knows how their life will unfold. But if you are clear about Isvara’s nature, you will be happy with the way it does unfold. There’s always an upside to every downside and this situation may lead you to the conclusion that your life should be centered around your spiritual tendencies, not the other way around. Mostly people look to God when the going gets rough and forget God when things are lining up with likes and dislikes.
However, yes every thought is a lesson from Isvara that needs attention. Your self esteem will grow quickly if you examine each and every thought in light of the teaching and let go of those that lead away from who you are and go with those that take you to yourself. You will like yourself a lot when you trust Isvara. Taking responsibility without considering Isvara’s role guarantees suffering. If you do right by Isvara you will love yourself to the degree that you won’t be snookered by the desire for love. We all mess up on that score at least once so no blame. Your wife, who is not your wife, may discover the person she fell in love with years ago if you are working on yourself properly.
If it’s all mithya then none of it’s real, and If I take that understanding, then I end up avoiding stuff, maybe too blaze’ and/or stuck in sattva and seem to have a bite’ when it comes to dealing with stuff, that I get judged for.
James: Mithya means that life is zero-sum. If that’s true, then engaging in life is just as valid as avoiding it. Mithya also means unreal so if people judge you, the judgments are also unreal and not worth taking seriously. You engage by constantly committing yourself to self inquiry and following the steps.
Go to the home page, click on the New to Vedanta link with the Start here arrow and carefully read each succeeding page. Once you have a good idea of what’s involved, read the recommended literature starting the Tattva Bodh, Essence of Enlightenment, Etc. Make sure you have a clear understanding of Karma Yoga. Read the satsang section two or three times a week. You need to build your Vedanta vasana.
Yes, I hear you, think my ignorance previously thought I could ‘throw away’ the teaching as I knew myself…but went back to Samsara instead!