Ramji,
Thank you for the satsang today. I’ve been here still working on my little house and letting all these lingering attachments filter through. It’s happening and I have more good days than bad. No desire to date or anything like that. Just sitting and witnessing the thoughts and feelings they come up. Slowly as the new reality of my life comes into focus so does the past 25 or so years. So much of everything I engaged in has all been part of a misguided attempt to live up to an ideal. What I never saw before Vedanta was that I was trying to prove to myself that I was good enough. Trying to do everything “right”.
Can I Live as the Self?
I was reflecting during the satsang of the beginning of my spiritual journey. Idealizing spiritual teachers. Trying to “become” more. Trying to transcend. Trying to find value in my value to others. My inquiry has boiled down to a single question. “Who do you think you are?” Who is this person who is upset or anxious? Resentful about having to start all over financially, socially, etc. Who is this person who seeks to find value in the attention of women or the adulation of others. The same person who is afraid to be honest with others even when he knows they really need to hear the truth. When it all melts away there is compassion for myself and others. But you are right. There is a doubt that I could really live as the Self. I hadn’t thought of it as a doubt, but when it boils right down to it essential issue there it is.
On a side note, A key person in my life who has been a very fundamental support but also a crutch has fallen from grace in a major way. Caught up in some pretty serious allegations around sexual misconduct. It’s seems Isvara is relentlessly stripping everything away to force me onto my own two feet. It’s sad to see but then again I see in this person a glimpse of my own future if I hadn’t found Vedanta. The idea that the rules don’t apply when you are a conduit of transformational healing. A victim of the person who was looking for security, found it in a social position, and then got bored and started looking for pleasure through sex. It’s all so textbook.
I see in my Father the same person I could easily become if I allowed myself to believe the victim story. Poor me. Look at all these things that happened to me.
Transparency
Sometimes when I really am honest with myself about how deluded my life has been and I see the power of Maya relentlessly regurgitating a life time of selfishness I wonder if it will ever stop? I have submitted to the teaching but I suppose there is nothing for it but to sit and watch while the mind continues to try and run its old program. ” If you do this you will be happy.” “The reason that person did this is because you’re not good enough.” “You are alone because no one loves you.” So much pain. It has to be past life karma. No one could accumulate that much negative momentum in one lifetime.
A Regular Person
I find relief in fishing. There is no agenda. I don’t even care if I catch a fish. Just being by the water helps. I find relief in doing stuff like helping my friend who had knee surgery install his swamp cooler. So much of the ceremonial seva is wrapped up in identity that I no longer enjoy it like I did unless the person asking is genuinely in need. I have zero interest in the ceremonial politics of who is who. 
I guess I find myself just wanting to be a regular person. To be relieved of the pressure to be someone special or worthy of respect or acknowledgment.
There are a couple really nagging vasanas that I am trying like hell to let go of. But at least they are not hurting anyone else. What is crystal clear to me is that when negative emotions arise here come the vasana thoughts right behind them like ” We will save you!” I was always so identified with the negative emotions and the vasana thoughts that I never saw how directly connected they were. I really wish I could turn the reins over to Isvara. Fucking drive this chariot cause its going in circle.
Freedom for the Jiva
But so far God has not seen fit to relieve my suffering. Maybe He really wants to rub my nose in it. I know it’s not personal but you could forgive someone for thinking that. The real glimpse of hope is the compassion I feel for myself and others. How could anyone possibly be anything other than what they are when they don’t know who they are? That thought makes it impossible to pick up new resentments. My mind is consumed with the desire for freedom. Once and for all. To let go. To stand in it. Whatever I was doing all these years was not the spiritual path. It was only an external representation. The inner work is a real bitch. It’s painful. Over the past 7-8 years since I first heard the teaching I have had many times where I see it. I get it. But that’s not it. The real work cuts you to the bone. There is no escape once you know the truth. I heard this quote from the Gospel of Thomas : Jesus said, “Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they find, they will be disturbed. When they are disturbed, they will marvel, and will rule over all.’”
Seems to fit where I am at. Somewhere between disturbed and marveling at the truth.
That Emperor Has No Clothes
Ram: What I get from this, aside from your usual admirable brutal transparency, is regret. It takes as long as it takes to wake up. Here’s a link to at satsang on this topic to a woman who just woke up at sixty! https://www.shiningworld.com/humpty-dumpty-sat-on-a-wall/ She hasn’t even got to the regret stage yet; she’s angry as hell. You’ve got a twenty year jump on her. It could be a lot worse. You don’t need to think of the poor Ukranians cowering under Putin’s cruel rain of cluster bombs to see how lucky you are: you’ve got enough strung-out, soused, low-lifes walking around just outside your door. I once met a radiantly happy woman who didn’t wake up till she was seventy three! I asked her what happened and she said, “I got sick and tired of my negativity. I just decided to be happy and I haven’t had a bad day since.” It’s naturally unnatural to lament time wasted in failing to adapt to the expectations of the world, but actually you should be jumping with joy because Isvara in its infinite mercy saved your sorry ass from further kowtowing to The Big Lie. That emperor has no clothes.
Happiness is Happiness
Now you can really grow. Happiness is a choice. You know what it is because you experience it here and there, sometimes for the right and sometimes for the wrong reasons, but it doesn’t matter. Happiness is happiness. You just do it. You can do it because you are happy whether you know it or not. It is the nature of the self. Regret, looking backward, sucks. There is nothing to lament. You can’t grow backward, only forward. That’s the way it is. So man up mighty Arjuna and slay the demon of regret!
I wish I was there. I’d go fishing with you. Come to Trout Lake. There are some little brookies in the stream.
Love,
Ram
