Dear Ramji and Sundari
I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I am more busy with myself consuming teachings than sharing my knowledge. I‘ve been on the spiritual road since I was 14 searching the holy grail for decades. The holy grail of being enlightened, of being a powerful spiritual being, a master of energies, and much, much more. I meditated for hours, burnt incense like the smokestacks in the industrial area of my country, puffed holy cigars, did absurd cleansings, spoke with Jesus etc etc. I gave away a fortune of time and money, pleasure and pain.
One vision battled with another. The holy grail mind battled with the garbage mind. In my seeking I used other people. It was spiritual materialism, getting all the goods in the spiritual supermarket. For the sake of oneness I condemned duality, variety and multiplicity.
Raised a Christian, I dove into Buddhism and learned Judaism and then threw it all away. I know, it was not fair, I was harsh. I thought I could solve problems by giving charity, then walking away. I was so selfish and greedy that I didn’t see my problem. I am not a collector or a hoarder but I don’t give. And that was made painfully clear by my beloved teachers Ramji and Sundari. That’s why I am ashamed of myself.
On the Bus
I am now on the Vedanta bus for a couple of years. I listened a lot, thought a lot and discovered my true nature. Thanks to Ramji. Vedanta wasn’t new for me, but traditional Vedanta was. I read Dutch teachers, Nisargadatta and all the usual stuff. But it was all walking in circles like Winnie the Pooh bear following his own tracks until I met Ramji. All the knowledge was given to me and I am grateful for that.
I did buy the videos, the books and I donated. It was enough I thought until last Sunday. Your disappointment hit me and I kept thinking why it hit me. I paid, but I didn’t give. 5 years of “study”, every day reading the scriptures, listening to the teachings and thinking about it. Doing my karma yoga, meditation and living a simple life. I can’t dismiss it, it stopped the search, BUT I don’t share it. Except when people ask, but they almost never do.
Powerful Emptiness
I asked myself if I am not good/skilled enough to share? I know I still have vasanas to work on, tough, nasty habits that won’t go away overnight but need some serious work. When I look into them they are totally empty, but that emptiness is strong as hell and can draw me completely in, like a blackhole. I have to be alert to nip it in the bud and stay alert, because it will bite back sooner or later. Over time I can say that I see the vasanas are weakening. At the same time I know that I don’t have vasanas at all as the Self. But I live as a Jiva in this world and have to deal with them one way or the other. When I don’t, Ishvara will remember me. But I am free, totally free and can choose.
Still questions arise. Do I have to teach, to write, to share all I know? Ishvara will take care of it one way or the other. When am I perfect enough to share? How can I contribute to Vedanta?
With love
D…
Dear D…
Ramji: Your confession touched us deeply. You are a wonderful sharer! The purpose of Sunday’s satsang was to demonstrate the spirit of sharing. You took it in and let it touch your heart. We tip our non-dual hat to you.
Sharing isn’t only sharing the teachings, it is sharing yourself, what you think and feel about yourself and life. It is so beautiful how you objectify your whole search for meaning. What comes through is not the emptiness of pursuing something that you already have, which is very valuable, but even more valuable is the revelation of yourself that the sharing reveals. If you see it you can’t be it.
No, you don’t have to teach and write and share all you know. Just share your innermost feelings without embarrassment. Sharing the shame is real sharing. It encourages others to find their hidden shame and bring it out into the light. Of course you don’t want to make a career out of your vulnerability, your openness. But there are moments in every relationship where you can bless others with your honesty. And at the same time remind yourself to continue to work dispassionately on the unwanted effects of the Ignorance of yourself that the Ramji helped you remove. The realization of the imperfect you exposes the Perfect you sitting next to it. Much love.
Your own Self
Ram
