The Knowledge Does the Work

Dear Ramji

Thank you so much for your previous email. The part of me that I was denying.. You were right it was hard to acknowledge.. There are things that are deeply hidden in my mind that take time to come up as questions.  I couldn’t see the obvious thing you were suggesting.  This is how tricky the mind gets I guess. 

Some things came up in my mind today…

It has been a long time that I am not sleeping well. Anyway, I wasn’t feeling well tonight and after some time a new hidden thing came up… The content was that “He touched me”… I  started crying… It had a sexual fragrance to it, meaning someone touched my body without my will or consent, I think as a child..  I cannot remember it in detail although some parts of the dream suggest that it was a male relative.  I don’t know why I am sending it to you, I know you are not a therapist and I don’t have a question about it.. I don’t want to bother you with memories or experiences.. I don’t know if it’s even a memory. I guess I am sharing with you that things are so hard to digest some times.. Sometimes denial happens in order to avoid pain.. Even for someone who wants moksha really bad.   I see how ugly Maya, ignorance can get. This I cannot deny anymore and I feel good about it. You have helped a lot.  Thank you for your presence in my life Ramji, 

James:  The word vasana means a fragrance.  You can probably safely assume that you were molested in some way when you were a child.  It is extremely common.  I would not recommend thinking about it too much.  It is not a happy thought.  You don’t want to have it become part of your identity.  And ultimately the only solution is to give it to Isvara since there is no way to undo it apart from forgiving men in general and understanding it is not your fault that you were born a woman.  We have to suffer the karma of the group we belong to in some way.  You didn’t ask to be born as a black person either but to some degree you collect karma from your racial association.   There is no guarantee of man’s justice here apart from the law of karma, which is a moral law.  Adharmis violate the rules because they are suffering excess fear and desire to start with.  So it is best to accept what is and put your mind on uplifting thoughts.  What this discovery shows is that Self inquiry is working.  It is shining Awareness on the inner world, bringing hidden things to light.  Here is another email on this topic that came in this morning.  

“It’s very fascinating to witness thoughts in meditation. When a particularly strong thought emerges a whole minute or two can pass without realizing I am following a thought. I guess that’s what is meant by Consciousness identified as the person, right? Without discernment between the real (me) and the temporary manifestations, I feel like a person who “wants this” and doesn’t want that.” Put 40 years of undiscriminated thought together and you have quite a collection emotional tendencies to unravel. They seem to lose power when you become aware of them. Like little demons who only operate in the dark. There is no denying though, I AM the awareness within which thought and the idea of a person, exists.” 

James:  Yes.  All that is required is the awareness of them.  Viewed from the perspective of awareness, they shrivel and slink away.  Stand fast as Awareness and the John thought dissolves into you Existence shining as Awareness.

Love,

Ramji