(Sundari: In our previous exchange, I asked Phillip for his background)
Phillip: I have done everything in the beginner’s course except for watching the Self Inquiry Videos and reading the “Experience and Knowledge” PDF (so far) and I have done everything in the advanced course except for reading Atma Bodha (so far). I must admit, my usage of your resources has unfortunately been a little sporadic and disorganized.
I’ll give you some background of my “path” leading up to now. About five years ago, I had a non-dual spiritual experience which lasted for about a month in which my sense of separation dissolved and I was experiencing great love, bliss, peace, and happiness, and the “knowledge” that I am awareness became apparent in my mind. After the experience passed, I suffered a lot for the next 4-5 years and listened to a lot of deluded neo-advaita and experiential teachers who talked a lot about experiences but didn’t have much wisdom to share. I really lost my mind throughout this time and became extremely depressed. I also became obsessed with the thought of “no-self” which originated in Buddhism and which is very popular in the neo-advaita crowd, and it really messed up my mind because I just couldn’t understand how there could be no self when there clearly is a self. So, I obsessed over this “no-self” thought and tried to “destroy my ego” as many of the modern teachers say to do, and I ended up exacerbating my already-existing mild OCD and turned it into a severe “spiritual OCD” in which I thought that every behaviour that was “egoic” was bad, and therefore I would essentially torture myself for having a sense of ego.
Eventually, about a year ago after speaking with a therapist (who happened to be a Buddhist), I got into Buddhism and started going very deeply into meditation. At most, I would be meditating on my breath literally from the moment I woke up to the time I went to sleep at night (my desire for enlightenment was so intense, I felt that I couldn’t waste any time not developing concentration and insight). I also practiced Vippasana in which I developed insight into my moment-to-moment experience in regards to what the Buddhists call the “Three marks of existence” (all things are impermanent, all things are not-self, and all things are unsatisfactory). At this time, I was also interacting with a couple “shaktipat gurus” who I will not name and received many experiences of bliss from them.
Even though I had had these insights which had brought me relative relief from the sense of identification and doership, and even though I was receiving all these blissful experiences of Shakti, I still thought that there was something missing. Then, I miraculously stumbled upon the Bhagavad Gita and learned about Karma Yoga and gradually my sense of personal doership started to erode and my sense of being bound to my fears and desires started to fade. I felt that my life was being lived rather than that I was living my life.
Shortly after, I started watching James’ videos on Youtube and after some time I started to read various Upanishads and I began (or rather Ishvara began) to apply Jnana-Yoga (neti-neti, constant discrimination between all objects/Mithya and Awareness/Sathya) to my moment-to-moment life. After some time, the knowledge “I am limitless, Actionless, Non-Dual Awareness, not confined to any particular object” began to establish itself in my mind with the help of James’ pointings in his videos and books, as well as with the help of the scriptures and the resources on the ShiningWorld website.
Now, I feel that I truly am just the Witness to this life even though this Jiva appears in me and has a particular role to play, and even though the sense of doership still comes up sometimes, I clearly know that Ishvara is the doer and that I am beyond both the doer and experiencer and yet I am not actually separate from either of them. I have been experiencing a great happiness and restfulness because of this knowledge, although because of my emotional and psychological problems in the past, I do not constantly experience bliss.
Sundari: thank you for giving me your background, it helps a lot. Your path to Vedanta is quite a common one for people who have a burning desire to end existential suffering. It’s a long and winding path! You clearly have suffered a lot in your life and spiritual journey, as most inquirers do. The whole point of self-inquiry is to restore the jiva to its natural state of permanent happiness, free of anxiety. To give it a fabulous life without suffering. The nature of the Self, Consciousness is parama prema svarupa. Parama means limitless; svarupa means nature and prema is the love which makes love possible – i.e., bliss. This is not the bliss most people think because it is not experiential, though we can experience it, it does not come and go like experiential bliss does.
Blissful implies bliss-less. The bliss of the Self is not a feeling. It is just knowledge. The problem lies in the misunderstanding of the word “bliss”. Because of this, many inquirers wrongly believe that if they are not feeling blissful, they have ‘lost’ Self-knowledge or there is something wrong or missing, as you appear to think. There are two kinds of bliss: ananda which is experiential bliss which ends, and anantum, which is the bliss of the Self and never ends. The bliss of the Self, that which is always present, unlimited, and non-changing is not an experience because it is your true nature, anantum. This bliss is knowledge-based and does not feel like anything. In fact, circumstances in your life could be most unconducive to experiential bliss and yet the bliss of the Self shines no less dimly.
The bliss of Self-knowledge can be experienced as a feeling, such as the bliss of deep sleep, which is inferred when you wake up. It can also be experienced as parabhakti, where love is known to be you, your true nature, meaning Consciousness, the Self. Parabhakti is having all you could ever want and knowing that it will never leave you. It is love loving itself. It is limitless satisfaction, parama sukka or tripti are words used in the texts.
When I know I am Awareness, I am prema, limitless love. This love is knowledge because Awareness is intelligent. Prema is only known when Self-knowledge has negated the doer. That is not to say that the bliss disappears when Self-knowledge is firm. It just does not matter whether the experience of bliss is present or not. The bliss of Self-knowledge is always present because the Self is always present, regardless of what the jiva is feeling.
It is one thing to know who you are, but you are not really free until you experience yourself as the bliss of the Self all the time. Knowledge is never enough. It needs bliss, the Self loving itself. So, there is work to do, once you know. What is the work? Letting the doer die because your Self-knowledge is unshakable. If you know and keep the doer with its desire for love, you haven’t really understood. Self-knowledge has not assimilated. The doer is never blissful. It chases bliss. It clings to bliss. And bliss runs from it, so it is never satisfied. Freedom is freedom from the “you” you have kept alive with hope for so long. See as Awareness sees. Be as Existence is. Stand as, not in, bliss.
Phillip: I believe I am in the Nididhyasana phase in which Self-Knowledge is assimilating itself into my experience. I also must say that Self-Knowledge has finally resolved the fear I had had in regards to the “There is no self” teaching. I finally know that I exist and that I am existence itself and I no longer have to wait for my “ego” to fall away nor do I have to beat myself up for having an ego because I am actually the Self, the witness of the Jiva, and always free from and not bound to the Jiva.
Sundari: The greatest drawback of so many of the spiritual traditions on offer other than Vedanta is that they do not have a valid, independent and complete means of knowledge to remove ignorance permanently. I think you probably have completed the first two stages of Self-inquiry, srvanna (listening) and manana (contemplation). But the last state, nididhysana, is the hardest and usually, the longest stage for most inquirers. I attached the satsang on this for you to read, if you have not already done so. As I said before and I think you know, Self-realization is not Self-actualization. The knowledge that you are the Self has obtained, but complete freedom from the personal program has not; there are still some binding mental/emotional patterns to purify. For most people who have realized the Self but not actualized it, this stage in a way is like ‘requalifying’ – re-examining qualifications and strengthening those that are still weak. It requires the final negation of the idea of yourself as an individual, a jiva.
Up to now, karma yoga went from relinquishing results of actions to the Field and taking given results as a gift, to the next level, renunciation of the idea of doership, and, of desire. But, here in the last stage of self-inquiry, karma yoga becomes a different kind of mind management – it is the transformation of all remaining binding mental/emotional conditioning into devotion to the Self. It also includes the final renunciation: renouncing the idea of seeking liberation because you ARE free. As the Self, you have never been bound.
Self-actualization is managing the mind’s involuntary, habitual thoughts and feeling patterns, which are bedrock duality and often survive Self-realization. These patterns can still hijack the mind without a moment’s notice, denying it access to the Self in the form of Self-knowledge, so you are still bound to the egoic program. There is nothing inherently wrong with involuntary thoughts, but they tend to immediately morph into actions which are liable to create unwanted karma in the form of obscuring thoughts and emotions. Therefore, guna/mind management continues. Until this stage is complete, Self-actualization has not taken place and discrimination can be lost, if not permanently, at least temporarily. You are not free because limiting thoughts/feelings like fear, smallness, need, shame, confusion, low self-esteem, etc., can still strike, destroying peace of mind.
To be fully Self-actualized Means (1) That you have fully discriminated the Self (Consciousness/Awareness) from the objects appearing in you (all objects, meaning all gross objects as well as one’s conditioning, thoughts and feelings—all experience), and do so spontaneously, 24/7.
(2) Self-knowledge has (a) rendered all binding desiresnon-binding and (b) negated your sense of doership completely. In other words, you understand and negate the ego program as apparently, not actually, real. The individual still exists and operates in the world with its inborn nature, but its program is like a burnt rope. It no longer has the power to bind and is as good as non-existent, resting in the fullness of the Self. The world neither attracts nor repels. There is nothing left to identify with other than your Self.
Therefore, once Self-knowledge is permanent, you never think of yourself as a person again. Your primary identity is fully established as the Self. And, you are totally fine with the apparent person as they are and their role in the world. All desires from here are never opposed to dharma and are preferences, they are no longer binding. It’s nice to get what you want but you are fine if you don’t. Karma yoga is no longer a practice as such. It is just knowledge. The last stage is difficult because though desires are no longer binding, the person is still a constantly changing entity due to the gunas, and lives in the Field, which is also always constantly changing also because of the gunas. Thus, though the mind may no longer condition to the gunas, mind management continues but Self-knowledge works spontaneously and instantly to nullify any effects.
Phillip: I do think that, if I’m being honest, I am overall quite immature as a person. I am very arrogant, self-centered, and I have a tendency to be very holier-than-thou. I even see this a bit in the responses I wrote to you. I take myself way too seriously. I personally think that I need to take Vedanta (namely, karma yoga and jnana yoga) more seriously if I want my self-knowledge to stick. In other words, I need to take some time to grow up a bit as a person (even though that might sound contradictory to self-knowledge, as I am the Self and not the person).
Sundari: It sounds to me that you take self-inquiry very seriously. The jiva program is what it is, self-inquiry is never about perfecting the jiva because it is not real. The important thing is to be able to see it for what it is. Anyone who has enough objectivity to be clear about their jiva program has developed dispassion and discrimination, so good for you. It is clear from what you write here that you have realized the Self and have a burning desire for moksa. Apart from being properly taught by a qualified Vedanta teacher, self-inquiry requires single-pointed dedication and all the qualifications developed for moksa to obtain. But no matter how dedicated we are to it, there is one more intrinsic factor and that is grace. Nobody can make moksa ‘happen’.
The hardest desire to renounce is the desire for moksa. Vedanta is a valid means of knowledge for moksa and unlike neo-advaita, it does work remove ignorance permanently because it addresses the relationship between Isvara-Jiva-Jagat. There is no way to negate the doer unless you understand what mithya is. It does not work to impose satya on mithya, as you discovered. There is no short cut, you cannot jump over or deny mithya. So, you have had the good grace to find Vedanta, your seeking days are over because Vedanta is the knowledge that ends the quest for knowledge. My only advice to you would be to keep the mind focused on the Self and committed to the Scriptures, be methodical in your inquiry. All the stages of self-inquiry must be completed.
Phillip: I’m happy that you’re taking the time to correspond with me. I apologize for the length and personal nature of this e-mail. You’ve been helpful to me in my inquiry so far. Thanks very much. I look forward to any more helpful advice that you might have for me. Thank you for all that you do for so many people.
Sundari: You are most welcome Phillip, no need to apologize for anything as it is important to know your background, which I requested. Stick with the methodology as laid out by James, write when you have a doubt, we are here to help you with your inquiry. Keep up the good work!
Much love,
Sundari