Pradesh: Dear Didi, thank you once again for your kind advice and time.
Your kind words of encouragement and satsang have really been helping me in observing and enquiring into my desire (food and pleasure) vasanas that had been really troubling me so long.
You have said beautifully, “Desires that we cannot say no to invariably are adharmic.”
That has again stuck a very strong chord with me, as you also rightly said what is adharma to me might be dharma to someone else, so it is very important to me to clearly understand what is adharma, as it always confused me until now, which you have very clearly in a few lines clarified for me and no one can argue with “desires that we cannot say no to invariably are adharmic,” so now I can even more consciously divert my desire vasanas in a good way, as I now know when it is adharma, for example, even when I know my stomach is full but I still crave for that extra mouthful of food I “cannot say no to,” I now know that this is adharmic to the body that Isvara has given me to look after and I can now can clearly observe adharma, and so now will wholeheartedly not go for that extra helping of food.
Sundari: Excellent, I am glad to hear this. True renunciation is not denial. It is standing up to our binding desires, whatever they are, and taking a stand in awareness. However, sexual sublimation is not a necessary qualification for self-inquiry or for a happy life as a worldly person unless sex is a binding vasana. In this case sublimation can be used effectively to render this binding vasana non-binding. As inquirers, whenever we have a desire that impels us to contravene our most important value, which is freedom from dependence on objects, we neutralize the desire by sublimating it to a higher idea. The higher idea is always freedom from bondage to the desire.
We do this by taking a stand in awareness as awareness and applying the opposite thought. The opposite thought in the case of a binding sex vasana is to see that you gain nothing by indulging this need. Instead of going with the thought “I must satiate this urge,” you replace that thought with “I am whole and complete without indulging this desire.” To be successful we need to say no to our desires, and stick to it. If you cannot renounce the desire, it owns you. Desire itself is not a problem, only irresistible desires that bind you and that cause you to go against personal and universal values.
It is not easy, especially when a desire is a strong impulse, like a sexual urge. But you can also sublimate that thought through any activity that takes the mind to a higher place, like reading scripture. If that does not work, because you are too agitated, try doing something very intellectually stimulating, like writing or art. If that does not work do something rajasic, likes sports, exercise or dancing. If the mind is very tamasic, it is extremely difficult to get out from under the grip of a strong desire.
Always apply karma yoga, which is the knowledge that I can act for a particular result, but I am not in charge of the results. I take the results that do come as grace, no matter if I do or do not get what I want. True renunciants sublimate the sexual energy into love of the self, which over time with dedicated practice automatically elevates and transforms the craving.
Pradesh: Also, a couple of doubts that arose in in me when I was doing enquiry on pleasure vasanas and the intention of my first question, I do not want to sound crude or embarrass you in any way, but still have the urge to ask you. You need not respond if you are not comfortable with my question, I will understand, but this has been troubling me for the last couple of days since I have started practising self-enquiry on my pleasure (kama) vasana.
1. When I have a strong craving for the pleasure (kama) vasana, I have always been able to obtain that pleasure without the need of a female companion and release my pleasure physically through my thoughts; is it still adharma? I am really struggling with this, as on one hand I do not see this as adharma, as no one else is involved, but again on deeper thinking, my thoughts are also my companion (be it good or bad thoughts), and so am I committing adharma through my pleasure (kama) thoughts? Is it impure to have pleasure (kama) thoughts?
Sundari: The same principle applies to all pleasure vasanas, although it is relatively more benign to sin without harming another on top of it. The point is, we cannot deny all pleasure, we must be intelligent in how we indulge it, always doing so with the karma yoga attitude. Everything is experienced in the mind. We all have the same sex organ, and it is the mind. In fact it can be argued that sex without love and consideration for your partner is just mutual masturbation. If a vasana is binding and we cannot say no to it or renounce it, we have bondage. The whole point of self-inquiry is to inquire into the one who desires what it desires. Once we negate the desirer, the doer who feels it must have what it desires to feel good, we are left with the fullness of the self, which needs nothing to feel full.
When you cannot release sexual energy in a relationship for whatever reason or because of the absence of a relationship, masturbation seems a relatively benign way to do so. There is a joke that goes: “Masturbation is love with someone I care very deeply about.” Well and good, but – there is a big “but” here. This can easily become a binding vasana as well. Just remember that we all really share the same sex organ: the mind. Sex for everyone really takes place there, whether or not you are having sex alone or with a partner. If you are not in the right frame of mind, sex won’t work for you.
In fact it can be argued that sex without love between two people is not much more than mutual masturbation. And the motivations for indulging masturbation are the same as for any binding sex vasana. You don’t get off the hook because there is no one else involved. A pleasure addiction of any kind masks a craving for love, for union with the self.
Pradesh: 2. You mentioned: “What are your values? Conduct a fearless moral inventory.” I am just was wondering if you could kindly provide further explanation on this, as I am not able to understand this part.
Sundari: James has written extensively and brilliantly about the value of values in both How to Attain Enlightenment and The Essence of Enlightenment. Swami Dayananda’s brilliant book on the topic is also freely available, called The Value of Values. Our values determine everything about how we live in the world. What do you value most?
Pradesh: A couple of humble requests:
1. If you are planning to publish all our satangs so far at your website, please omit my name from the questions.
2. Also, please omit these two questions if you can.
Sundari: I am not sure why you are concerned with this, as nobody will know who you are. We publish everyone anonymously, and anything that will identify them. The whole point of publishing the satsangs is that everyone has the same problems, and they are helpful. Your questions are not strange or unique, we get them all the time. Everyone must deal with their sexuality, it is part of the human condition. There is no shame in it. Why do you think it is?
~ Om and prem, Sundari
