Sundari: I love the way you love, the appreciation and gratitude you always show me. Our friendship means a lot to me too, and I actively nurture it. I see you and honour who you are, jiva and Self. But here’s the thing.
The effusiveness is way too much and too often. It’s irritating because though I know it isn’t really, it comes over as obsequious and false. You can start ‘unhumbling’ by dialing it back, a lot. Just relate to me like a normal person, or as you would any friend. We are both the Self, no more, no less. Ramji and I both abhor being treated like we are special, because we are not. We are the Self, that’s it.
I know I am a big trigger for your Durodhyana factor, which is why you are so effusive about acknowledging me. It’s an attempt to hide it, or deal with it. But it’s never hidden. The Self sees and knows everything. It also knows what’s behind the fawning mouse sweetness is its other face, the fanged viper. Self-knowledge affords a very different kind of insight – that of the all-seeing “I’ of the ‘I’.
If you want to unhumble, its time you allowed yourself to own your power. The frightened mouse and the muzzled spitting viper is no longer appropriate. Martha is awesome. She can be a badass, why not? I am. We all can be. You don’t need to bow to anyone, not me or Ramji. As the Self we see no difference anywhere because there isn’t any.
I love you and am determined to be your friend regardless, but this underlying hostility makes a genuine friendship feel inauthentic, and treacherous, when it’s really just love. And lots of it.
Martha: Yes, yes, and yes to everything you said. The effusiveness drives me nuts too. It’s totally repellent and just feels like some kind of grovelly turrets syndrome to me. I know that my Durodhyana factor comes out big time when I’m around you. I’m projecting a lot and the mind goes into hyperdrive trying to simultaneously manage and cover up all the nasty thoughts, which is the malicious entity you described so accurately.
Yes, it’s time to allow myself to my own power. Ironically, the malicious entity is also made up of all that repressed badass potential. The frightened mouse and the muzzled spitting viper are inappropriate, indeed. I’m too old for that shit.
So yeah, I will dial it back, wipe the goo off and get real. It’s a big relief that nothing is hidden before the eyes of God. Thank you and love you,
Sundari: Great response! The badass potential is only viperish because it is repressed by the frightened mouse persona. Don’t be afraid of it, there is no shame in owning it. All jivas are flawed. As John pointed out, it takes courage not to be liked or care whether you are or not. That’s why you like our wicked and uncensored sense of humor; we don’t try to be liked, care if we are, hide our humanness, or pretend that we do not relish our occasional lack of PC!
The D factor in me was the opposite of yours. I had to dial back my warrior persona and learn some compassion because that much power can burn. But it burns more if it is denied and kept under lock and key. It’s part of human nature to have a powerful and potentially dangerous persona in the mix. We all do. The trick is to let it out in a healthy way.
We are never just one thing, human beings are multi-faceted thanks to the gunas. So don’t be too hard on the mouse, either. Mice are cute, adorable and smart. They may be easily frightened because there is so much danger in their world, real or imagined, but they are not obsequious. Drop the fear but keep the rest!
Now that we have this in the open, we can laugh about it when it next comes up, which it will. Build the impregnable house of freedom, one brick at a time, one thought at a time. The steps to ‘get there’ are the qualities of ‘being there’. You are never not ‘there’.
Martha: Yes, it all makes sense. Because of my D factor, I was seeing everything through the eyes of the frightened mouse persona, as you put it. So Sundari or anyone truly not caring what anyone thought came across to it as rude/not nice or ladylike lol and scary/threatening. Then loads of crappy judgements – venom thoughts appear to support that. And just in case I ran out of ugly ideas, there is already an infinite supply of misogynistic and misandrious thoughts in the jiva hive mind to draw upon. When John was talking about being willing to not be liked, I perked right up and was like huh?! scared and excited about it at the same time. I really wanted to say something in satsang, but under the spell of the D too scared of what people would think of me to open my yap. Wow twisted. And also super funny.
Expressing the powerful and potentially dangerous persona in a healthy way – I always thought the timid mouse way was healthy because I thought it wasn’t hurting anyone but boy was I ever wrong – seems to be the next step.
I am thrilled. Happy and relieved that this is out in the open.
Sundari: There is just one more thing to add, which I hesitate to offer as it goes to the heart of the issue, and it’s painful. But seeing as we have this in the open, let’s go where angel’s fear to tread, as the saying goes. Moksa requires such courage, and Vedanta offers us the grace to endure it.
You are attracted to me because you see me as a powerful woman with authority whom you admire, but whom you also fear and judge. As I said before, this is why you are so effusive in your praise for me. Even though I know much of it is based in true respect, love and friendship, the deep dark beast I trigger for you and emerges from the depths is the hostility and anger you have buried for your mother. She had such power over you, and refused to acknowledge you. No doubt she still does, despite your goodwill and re-established healthy loving contact with her. Once in a while she relents, throwing you some crumbs. Maybe she has come around and sees you now, but that is not the point.
Because of your past programming, you are too afraid to tackle her, or acknowledge, your buried anger. The ‘Hollywood productions of hell’ in your thoughts is a price you are willing to pay for a little bit of sanity. While the love you profess for your parents is admirable and affords some peace of mind, it was and is a shield crafted to protect you from the danger they posed for you growing up. Instead of the venom being appropriately directed at your mother, who was (and probably still is) a piece of work, you project it onto me, or women like me. That is at the heart of your D factor and low self-esteem.
While your father was also a very threatening figure, he probably was and is more understandable to you. He must have given you some sense of security and love, whereas your mother actively withheld it. She was the one who menaced, dictated and controlled the emotional landscape of your life growing up. I see this in how differently you relate to Ramji. Much healthier – you are not afraid of him or triggered by him. You see him as a protector, safe. You do not feel safe with me.
Standing in your power would require you to look at this, and I don’t know if you have ever considered it. I think it is too hard for you. As I said in one of my talks – human nature is perverse. Once we have internalized the damage, acknowledging that we are not Ok requires us to acknowledge that what was done to us as kids was really and truly, NOT OK. But because the adaptive child is more interested in self-preservation than freedom or self-love, it stubbornly refuses to do so. Its world may collapse if it does. And it will. It must.
There is so much promethean anger there that the fear of self-immolation causes paralysis. It seems so futile to confront it now, after all, it’s in the past and she is just an old lady, right? You know thanks to Vedanta that she is a product of her past, and not to blame for who she is. As is your father. What would be the point of dredging that up with her/him? I know you have made peace with this with the help of Vedanta.
But the problem is the anger is carefully hidden under a curated façade, like toxic radioactive waste, poisoning your life. It manifests as that of the humble, innocuous little mouse, the venomous viper, or anything in between. The smallness gives rise to deep matsarya – comparison and envy – one of the worst of all the vasanas. Don’t feel bad about, it’s very common and not personal though it feels like it is. Many who can’t face it settle for a life of mediocrity and getting by, rather than stirring the sleeping beast of the unconscious and all the pain buried in it.
It’s not that loving your parents warts and all and forgiving them is not healthy – it very much is. The scripture requires it. But underneath it is the buried anger festering away. It definitely takes courage to ‘go there’. Unacknowledged, it will always own your happiness and your power. It’s a pernicious joy thief. That’s the price you will continue to pay. Self-knowledge will only take us so far. To truly set us free, we have to clean up the sewer of the unconscious. No fine print, no excuses.
Yes you can be ok with it; the jiva makeup, after all, is not real and not you. But it is such hard work and so exhausting to keep the demons at bay. Low self-esteem is so very tedious and banal. How tiresome it is to play the role of a damaged ‘human’.
Comparison, anger, resentment, fear and all other painful emotions are death to joy and peace of mind. But they are only capable of determining the colour our world is painted and how we relate to ‘others’ if we deny their existence, or refuse to face them, whatever that requires.
If you truly want to ‘unhumble’ your not-self, and put an end to the bad thoughts, you can’t just resign yourself to this samskara. You are amazing, Self and not self. That’s the truth. Why not live it?
Martha: Yes to all. Clear as a bell. Like a friend helping to pull a tick out of the back of another friend. Thank you.
Last night Isvara had me watch a movie called “Zone of Interest”. The movie is about Rudolph Hoss and his family. They lived in a beautiful home in Poland and the other side of their garden wall was Auschwitz. Hoss was in charge of engineering and overseeing the efficient killing and remains disposal of over a million people. So as mass murder was going on next door, Hoss, his wife and five kids were living a sweet rural life enjoying all the comforts. Hoss was an evil guy, but I could sort of understand where he was coming from. I know this sounds weird but he had a job to do and a family to support so he just fell in line with that program. His wife on the other hand, was evil to the core, enjoying all the bounty of her husband’s important job, fully serving her own interests to be someone “important”, “cultured” and “worthy” while in full sight, smell and sound of the crematoria and carnage that was funding it. Well, my family wasn’t quite that operatic, but the pattern was exactly the same.
I agree about my mom. She is a piece of work, emotionally retarded and morally corrupt. You have no idea the damage she created for me and my siblings with her flawless opinion of herself, whilst aiding, abetting and surreptitiously joining in with my father who really was a sociopath due to his own upbringing. Welcome to the Hoss family! Anyway I love my mom like crazy thanks to karma yoga practice, applying the opposite thought, listening to her and dad’s story, and finally seeing her as me. So that relationship is about as sorted as it’s going to get. But yeah, the adaptive child program as you described so accurately is present and for the most part unconsciously operating in me. Befriending, projecting and then unfriending strong women has come up many times in my life, you’re not the first, and because of extroversion and projection I always thought the problem was them. This is the first time the object of my projection has opened the door and invited me to really look at this. Well actually you have tried many times, but I am ready now.
So thank you. There is a lot to ponder in what you wrote and I will write more later but the sun is shining and it’s time to walk and move.
Sundari: Beautiful. I salute you for your honesty, authenticity and clarity. How beautiful even the really ugly things in life can be, viewed from the full transparency of our deepest Self. It is truly a wonder that the Maya game works out the way it does – and how much suffering there is because of it. What really gets to me is how much damage parents can do to ‘their’ children because of it. It really breaks my heart. But there it is. Knowing what Maya is offers no immunity against the damage, but standing in the Self is the only way out. It does not trivialize the suffering, just takes it out of the driver’s seat and puts it on the shelf. We can glance at it now and then, even pay homage to it. For without it, would we be where we are, now?
Much love to you once and always friend
Sundari
