Dearest Sundari,
I’ve been having recurrent thoughts of mailing you since some time ago, sometimes just to say hello, sometimes to clarify something about Vedanta or just to make myself present with Shining World, but then I start inquiring and I end up doing nothing as I know I am you, I am Ramji, I know I AM one with everything, so I say to myself… what’s the point, they are with me anyway! You are always here, in me and… I am knowledge, so? Is that a tamasic mind that’s keeping me away of actions or is that an effect of knowledge? Actually I’ve lost interest in many things, even in people.
I think a lot about you and Ramji, knowledge is removing ignorance, slowly but constantly, up to a point that I start to need less and less knowledge but then I realize I do have an attachment with Vedanta, with Shining World, with you two… so here my “wants” and “don´t wants” Am I really gonna stop listening Vedanta one day? I don’t want to, It’s the best that has happened to me (Jiva) since I started as a seeker. It’s been 7 years so far since Ramji appeared in me and started inquiring, my vision is completely another one, clearer, more expanded and allowed me to see my life easier and blissful.
Actually I find myself talking less, much less, wanting less, eating less, many things less and it’s more than great for me… but sometimes I think I may be apathetic, however I feel full and complete, I am fullness, completeness, I know I am love even though it is not noticeable. Could it be? Sometimes I miss “that“ rajasic Cecilia but I don’t feel like her anymore!
Will keep on reading the yoga of the three energies… maybe it’s just gunas management… would like to hear from your wisdom.
My love to you and Ramji
Sundari: I am so glad to hear that Self-knowledge is becoming firm for you. It is an effect of the knowledge that you do not feel the need to contact ‘us’, and a good sign that Self-knowledge is assimilating and actualizing. On the other hand, there is no contradiction in the feeling of being attached to Vedanta if you know you ARE the knowledge – i.e., when you know that Vedanta is you. If the Self is attached to itself, where is the problem?! People often ask Ramji and me if it is not a contradiction that we are attached to each other, but that is our reply to them.
The test of that is if you still have a dependence on the ‘other’ for anything – be it happiness or knowledge. When you know you are the Self you never depend on anyone or anything for either. But when ignorance is still there, dependence on Vedanta is important. It is the only thing that can truly be depended on to lead you out of the dream of mithya, the hypnosis of duality. Once Self-knowledge has actualized, dependence on Vedanta goes too because ignorance is gone.
Vedanta is supposed to be a throw-away as a means of knowledge. It is meant to remove ignorance of your true nature, and it has the means or methodology to that end. Once Self-knowledge has done ‘the work’ of removing ignorance, you do not need the means because you are the means. Nonetheless, there is nothing more rewarding or beautiful to you than Self-knowledge, so why would you stop immersing the mind in it, in YOU? Nothing else is as satisfying for the mind.
Fully and completely renouncing the renouncer, the one seeking knowledge, is the ‘final renunciation’ that takes place in the process of Self-actualization. All the same, we are still working with the teachings and it is all we really want to do. Ramji has been reading, writing and teaching Vedanta for most of his life, and he is 82! It is always a question of motive. The teachings have assimilated to the extent that for you, you stand in the truth of your true nature without the need for anything. I say good for you!
What you describe about feeling disinterested in the usual jiva habits, likes and dislikes, even people, is very common when Self-knowledge is actualizing. Some people find this stage quite disorienting as the impetus to engage with the world as they used to do is gone. It is disturbing for the ego which is accustomed to functioning by contacting the world for happiness, security, etc. When that is over, and you know for certain that there is nothing in the world, that you are it, the feeling that remains can at first feel a bit anticlimactic; a ‘what now?’ feeling.
The mind hates a void. But then as the fullness of the Self, you are the knower of the feeling of ‘what now’ or ‘the void’, so you can relax and enjoy the peace and satisfaction of just being! You can even enjoy the world for what it is, and function quite happily and normally as a jiva, knowing that none of it is real. There is no longer any worry or urgency to do anything anymore and your trust in Isvara to take care of the jiva is total.
When the usual modus operandi for the jiva has been extreme rajas, which I think it has been for you for most of your life, any reduction in that feels quite radical. But perhaps what you are taking to be tamasic is actually more sattva being made accessible by the reduction in rajas and tamas. Those two trouble making gunas always work together. Excess rajas always results in excess tamas. Sattva is the natural state of the mind, so you cannot gain more of it. When the relative proportions of rajas and tamas are brought into balance with sattva by jnana yoga, both sattvic rajas and sattvic tamas are very useful energies. It is only when rajas and tamas dominate the mind that you have a problem. The mind gradually finds the new way of being in the world comes naturally after a while, even though at first some people also experience an ‘imposter syndrome’. That’s just the small ego getting on board with the idea that it is actually the eternal ever-present, unchanging unborn Self. That’s quite something to get your head around!
You are doing really well with your self-inquiry, and are in the final stage of inquiry, nididhysana. Maybe there is still some residual jiva stuff to deal with, and that takes as long as it takes to remove completely. You are correct that mind management with reference to the gunas is what is required, along with karma yoga. Just keep in mind that no matter whatever jiva issues may still arise, you are never not the Self. So go ahead and enjoy the bliss of the Self in whichever form that takes!
Much love
Sundari
