Hey James,
In the Gita Krishna says that even the greatest criminal who is rightly resolved can realize his true nature.
I realised that I cannot fix anything that happened in the relationship with Mary. I will just have to accept that I was driven by my desires and that it was a mistake.
I am working hard on the sex-vasana, given it almost no room, and saying no all the time. I am very very serious about turning my life around and just do what the scripture is telling me. I listen about 3 hours of teaching every day, I still have indigestion problems and been not able to work for 6 months now.
I feel like Vedanta is the only solution to my life, since I failed miserably in samsara and I just want to live the right life. It hope that by saying no to my sex/lust vasana I am doing the right thing. To be honest James, I am at the point that I just want to realize myself and by happy and do good for myself and the world. My needy/graspy atittude during the relationship…bah…I don’t want to go back being a fool full of desires and breaking the rules.
My life feels like a bit of a joke, because at the moment I cannot contribute to my environment because of the indigestion problems and I have showcased myself as a needy/lusty person. But at the same time I listen to the teachings like a mad man and at one point I said to myself I will kill myself or live the right live and give up my nasty sex vasana. It was really hard. Because I only slept 3 hours a day because of the illness and I felt so empty that the sex vasana came up again. But I said to myself, no I am a beautiful guy, I will not kill myself, I value life and I will live according to the truth.
And you know what James, I am winning the fight against the vasana and I will not give up life until God decides that I will have to go.
I hope that my health will come back, so that can live a fully good and right life. But it is in the hands of ishvara, I will keep on doing the work and make a turn around.
James: Is it possible for you to have sex in a reasonable way without all the drama and guilt? Sex is not worth dying for. I’m asking because the either/or approach, which is to say, either freedom or sex, isn’t generally recommended in scripture. That approach is for mature sanyassis. It eliminates a small problem so they can focus on inquiry. Sex is a natural human desire, like eating, sleeping, breathing, etc. When it is strong and you repress it, the mind becomes very agitated. When you indulge it intensely, the mind also becomes agitated because the attachment takes away its freedom. So the scriptures recommend a middle way. A little bit of indulgence and a little bit of self-control in the karma yoga spirit, until you find the right balance and the mind doesn’t make such a big story about it.
At the same time you don’t mention the topic of love. Do you think you can only love yourself if you are free of craving? Why not make friends with this needy part of yourself and throw the dog a bone once in a while? A lot of young people these days hook up with each other in a friendly way while they pursue other interests. It’s great that you want freedom but I think your approach is unrealistic. That sex is a big deal for you is clear but please tell me why. Vedanta is all about the why.
Hi James,
I can. When I was about 8 years old I had an operation my sex organ which made it look different. I developed a complex because I was picked on by kids in school and never had sex until I was 30. Because a normal sex life was not possible I developed a deep craving for it. But I feel that the way the relationship with Mary went I’d better handle the craving so I don’t just look at girls a sex objects.
Maybe I don’t really care about sex that much. I just conditioned myself to think that sex equals love. I feel like the sex thing sits in the way of developing a healthy relationship. Of course I have been ill now for 6 months, so I may not be thinking clearly. Maybe the repression is an escape for not dealing with it. I said to myself that I will hand the love relationship over to Ishvara and take up the karma yoga/jnana yoga with regard to my work and friends. I’m happy being alive and hanging on. The good part of this story that I know all your jokes by heart and that this is all apparent suffering and apparent freedom seeking.
James: You’re a cool guy, Frank.  Thanks for additional info. It exposed an assumption on which my last suggestion was based. Considering the circumstances I think your conclusion is smart. By the way, you’re in good company; probably the majority of men equate sex with love. If you know what love is, a good woman who knows what love is will love you no matter how you look. The MeToo movement is about women not being treated as sex objects. Anyway, don’t let the sexual feeling grow. Just accept it as apparently real knowing that it will pass and keep your mind on what you really are.Â
Love,
James
