Dear One,
Why do I continue to choose suffering? I have the knowledge and understand full well, but I just don’t seem to be able to escape my addictions in my current setting.
Ram: You’re right it doesn’t make sense, knowing what you know. What addictions? Maybe the pleasure you derive from your attachment to them outweighs the imagined cost of freeing yourself. If you want schedule a chat after the 1st of November and we can discuss it.
Basically, I am bored with my life. Pot and alcohol makes it bearable. I have NOTHING to complain about, I’m very comfortable, but nothing seems to interest me. It’s all “So what?” Nothing matters.
Maybe I’m depressed. I quit my antidepressants in the last couple of months. They didn’t seem to be doing anything for me. Someone said “they don’t make you feel good, they only make it seem like you’re not depressed.” I thought I would try and see. I drank and smoked pot then, too. My baseline is below the average and I rarely feel “good”. This is familial on my father’s side. Eastern European depressed. Hahaha. They drank a lot of vodka. I’ve got the gene. With winter coming on, I just want to stay in bed.
Ram: I assumed that you understood karma yoga so I was quite surprised to hear that you are bored with your life, that you are depressed, smoke dope and drink alcohol, which are totally tamasic habits. Yes, there is only a spiritual solution but let’s leave it out for now. Please tell me why you are depressed and bored. Why don’t you love yourself? What is missing? Somehow you must either feel hard done by because the world let you down or perhaps you feel guilty for not following the inner path diligently? Let’s see if we can’t get to the bottom of it.
Thanks for answering me. Guilty, yes. For all my bad habits 50 some years in the making. The only time I haven’t smoked pot was when I was working and subject to drug testing, which was a LONG time. All my life has been a life of service to others, albeit not always with loving intention, so I don’t believe it is a question of not understanding karma yoga. On that point, I’ll listen to your recent lectures.
I think it’s more about not loving myself. It’s as if there is an alternate me who is bent on being secretly bad, who can’t be tamed, who is a destroyer. She just doesn’t fit into the life she is living. Anyway, as things would have it, my stomach has been really hurting me recently. Regardless of how much I enjoy alcohol, I think I will have to quit drinking to stop the pain. Planning a visit to the Mayo Clinic this month for diagnosis and treatment. And what then? Drinking to stop the pain… stop drinking to stop the pain…
Anyhoo… a mini personal crisis is a good path to healing I suppose. I believe these are deep samskaras making themselves apparent. I should be grateful for the opportunity to address them. That I would admit to YOU my shortcomings is a step in the right direction, I think. If I would want anyone to think well of me, it would be you but I’m giving up on that now. Thank you for being my confessor. You are the only one I would admit this to because I think you put it in the context of inner growth and not see me as hopeless.
Ram: Yes, I’m the guy that sees the real You, the love that makes love loving so it doesn’t matter if you’re a mess or if you are totally together. Anyway, although serving others is one small aspect of karma yoga, I think these tamasic habits, which originate in your psychology, have impacted on the hearing phase of Vedanta, which is a nice way of saying that you more or less only heard what your biases wanted you to hear. Karma yoga is first about taking care of yourself first; think that pre-flight announcement urging parents to put their own oxygen mask on before they look after their child. The guilt comes from not looking after yourself properly. It’s your spiritual duty to make yourself happy first, then others benefit. I’ll ask Sundari to send you two popular satsangs about the “Duryodhana Factor” that you should read.
As the Gita says, even a little karma yoga removes great fear, guilt, anxiety, depression, agitation, etc. If you understand it properly and practice it diligently, the rajas and tamas fade away, sattva takes over and you definitely feel positive, light and naturally high. You want the drugs and alcohol because you get a bit of relief, but they are zero-sum remedies which send you back down to an agitated depressive state of mind. So you are going to have to re qualify, meaning start over if Self inquiry is going to work. I think you must know that it works or you wouldn’t have written me. If you read the satsang section of the website you will discover that it is mostly glowing testimonials to the power of Vedanta to uplift and cultivate the spirit.
I just finished a five day seminar on Yoga and Vedanta which you should atch. Listening without bias is very difficult, so you need to isolate that rebellious negative voice and monitor it religiously because it is not going to like what we are saying, precisely because Vedanta patiently destroys it. There will be plenty of resistance, but you should not despair, which is one of the characteristics of a tamasic mind. It is good that you are clear and honest about the state of your soul. Karma yoga is a prayer to Isvara, your Primary Care-giver, for help. It is admitting your vulnerability and dependence and developing a loving relationship with yourself.
Here’s the link to the seminar. Please make a donation to support our work. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywuadh_w1MA&list=PL9LR4U4G7ey54OuUQaaFGcDm-F06Xj9jQ Once you’re done…take your time…we should have a Zoom Chat. And plan to come to Spain in February. The weather is lovely then. If you haven’t signed up for the Newletter, please do, as I will resume weekly Zoominars presently.
Thanks for kicking my butt. The alcohol has to go. No more hiding. It’s an issue of requalifying for Vedanta. I do understand the teachings, but haven’t been dealing on the up and up with my deeper psychological issues. Won’t go into all of that now, but there are shadow issues that I have kept in the closet. Early wounds having to do with abandonment and not being loved. Boohoo. Gotta grow up. Thanks, James and Sundari. I’ll try it all sober. Should be interesting. It feels like coming alive.
Ram: We support you 100%. Much love
