(Note – this person’s story is quite long, but worth reading)
Hello Sundari, thank you for reading this email. I hope you are having a fantastic day.
I’m unsure if including my story so far is unnecessary so I apologize if this is too long and you lack the time to respond, I understand and am okay if it takes some time to receive a response.
A couple years ago I inadvertently found myself practicing inquiry. At the time I would never have called it that, all I thought I was doing was trying to figure out my inner disharmony. Maybe I wouldn’t have even called it that either, I was sick and was looking for some sort of cure. I sought in various locations, each step bringing me into seemingly deeper and deeper places.
What began as a simple investigation into my own psychology (which was tremendously fascinating) brought me to a wall. This wall was unlike any other wall I’ve faced. It was this sort of sense that there was SOMETHING there, yet I had no idea what it was.
“What is THAT?” I asked myself over and over, I sensed ‘something’ if I can call it a something yet I had no idea what exactly it was. I could not get any kind of grasp on this ‘something’, however I remained persistent, I read more and more, finding the texts of various religions and spiritual teachings very interesting. Importantly noticing a certain unmistakable similarity between them all. I was unsure what exactly the connection was but it was as clear as day.
This investigation into my inner workings and into life itself went on for about a year and a half. Unsure of where it would lead or what I was even doing, there was a fervent desire to know the truth. I was unsure of what exactly this truth was yet I knew there was truth to be discovered.
I had many many ‘experiences’ or epiphanies over this time, and still more epiphanies occur, though less frequently. However I like to condense them all back then into two primary ones. One was the seeing and disillusionment of this human life. Realizing very clearly, which was accompanied by a bout of laughter, that this human life which we take so, so seriously and treat as the absolute was actually completely ridiculous. I don’t mean to say that to deride or to diminish this beautiful human experience but it truly is so entirely ridiculous in a goofy kind of way how seriously I took it. An important distinction I saw was that while taking life absolutely dead seriously may lead to a cold empty unfulfilling life, it’s also important to approach life with sincerity. This was not lost on me.
The second ‘experience’ was one which I lacked words to describe but at the time I referred to it as “Pure Being”. This experience I frequently return to and allow it to point me back towards that which was always here and never left.
After this second experience, there was indeed a returning of the old patterns and habits, though there was an obvious and undeniable change in how I was and am approaching life.
I left where I was living and went about my life, or at least I tried to. I began noticing many of these low level patterns and habits and wondered why they were there, I undoubtedly acquired a fresh sense of spiritual arrogance due to inquiring entirely on my own without any previous preparation, I slowly began to realize that these were not new patterns and were in fact old unexamined ones. All stemming from the same source, I realized and still am realizing that it’s in fact a joy and a challenge to witness all these stale old patterns, letting them come up to witness and even sometimes coming across insight into the human experience through them.
This began the stage that came after the first, the first I consider to be a deep examination, the stage after it felt more like a putting into practice, a seeing of the day to day experience and seeing how that aligns with the understanding I may or may not have or had.
I paused my meditation for some months at the end of 2021, then picked it up again in the first quarter of 2022, this felt necessary as what I was learning and noticing slowly integrated day by day. One day I picked up an e-reader device I had and scrolled through some of the books I had picked up in my somewhat obsessive search the year before. I remember picking some at random and I started noticing that the words that previously made no sense to me suddenly made complete sense. It was as if the words were pointing directly to my experience and what I had seen.
Before they were just simply, albeit very interesting, intellectual ideas. But now they took on an entirely different nature. I would sit and read a passage and then sit with the words, not really being interested in ‘figuring them out’ but sitting with them and feeling their impact if that makes sense. Sometimes yes, contemplating them deeply.
This went on for most of last year and for much of this current year, though it has dwindled greatly. I certainly still read spiritually infused writing from time to time, purely for the enjoyment of it as the fervent desire to know truth in the way I previously did no longer seems to be here. The desire has taken on the form of wanting to know it directly from where I sit or stand or move. I’ve recently begun reading a translation of the Upanishads.
This brings me to the subject of the email, which can be put like this. No matter how much I’ve read (much of which I’ve forgotten as it has served its purpose) or heard or seen, pales in this one thing that I know. It’s hard to describe, but it’s always this ‘place’ or ‘orientation’ which feels like coming home again. It never disappoints and it’s really the only thing that I absolutely know for certain, my practice these days is simply in noticing that each day and sitting in it, in seeing it in experience.
This is where I find myself now as I type this email, I suppose what is being sought here by sending this email is some sense of reassurance or a viewing of what I’ve written here and letting me know if I’m dangerously off track in some way haha. The faster I’m pointed towards my error the faster I can let go of it.
I’ve never talked to anyone about this, certainly not a teacher. Though I have thought about reaching out to one, I’ve just simply remained doing my own thing and enjoying it so far.
I really appreciate if you made it to the end, I know you may be very busy and I apologize for this long story,
Sundari: We enjoyed reading your email, it is well written, direct and authentic. You don’t say how you found Shiningworld, or Vedanta, but you clearly have what we would call deep spiritual vasanas, or tendencies, plus a very subtle and clear intellect.  It seems you have the good grace to be scheduled to grow past your limited personal identity, though you may not put it like that. Indeed, there is much on offer in the spiritual supermarket, and much depends on what qualifications you have developed as a seeker. Religion is usually the first port of call, as are many other teachings and philosophical ideas. You are right that there is a common denominator in all paths, though it is usually not known for what it is – the desire for freedom from suffering. Not all paths know what this is, or how to help you to find it.
Vedanta, which is the science of Consciousness, is an independent means of knowledge which deals with the cause of all suffering and bondage – the hypnosis of duality, or beginningless ignorance. Which is the idea that I am a limited, flawed person who needs to do something to gain happiness and ultimately, if I am lucky, redemption. Vedanta defines freedom as the removal of ignorance (the identification with your body/mind or limited and finite personal identity) of your true nature as the unborn, undying and unchanging, eternal nondual Self/Consciousness. Your personal identity, with all its blocks, vices, virtues and psychological issues, is not who you are, though most think it is. You do not need redemption, only freedom from bondage to that idea. Freedom from it is not a place or a state of being. You cannot ‘do’ anything to gain it because it is who you are. When known as such, freedom from the idea that you are a person provides permanent peace of mind for the personal entity because duality no longer covers your mind and you rest in non-dual Self-knowledge.
Vedanta defines your personal identity, and the world it inhabits, as ‘apparently real’ because it is always changing, and not always present. Whereas your true nature, Consciousness or the non-dual Self, is the only constant. It is always present, and never changes. It is what always knows what you think, feel, and experience, but is never invested or changed by anything. The Self cannot be changed because it is not ‘in’ the dream of duality. It is the knower of the dream. So, in essence, freedom in Vedanta is defined as freedom from and for the person. The one that chases or tries to avoid objects for happiness. An object is anything subtle (thought/feeling/experience) or gross, i.e., anything known to you, the nondual Self.
Vedanta requires qualifications because with them, the mind will not be ready to hear and assimilate the non-dual teachings, which are extremely subtle. There are several important qualifications, and they are all necessary. But the entry level qualification is that you have realized there is no joy to be obtained in chasing or avoiding objects. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you have developed that qualification, or you would not be writing to me.
Religion does not require much more than your belief in its proscriptions; it does not have an independent valid means of knowledge to apply to your life. It offers safety in providing you with guard rails on how to be a good person and live a decent life. This is not a small thing, but it’s not freedom. Religion only offers freedom in the ‘next life’, in some heavenly realm, entered if you have been a good boy or girl. If not, damnation awaits.
Philosophy, along with countless other spiritual or even scientific ideas, can inspire one to live a more meaningful, thoughtful life. Again, no small thing. The problem is that all these ideas depend on your interpretation of what that is. Again, no independent means of knowledge to remove ignorance of your true nature. While all religions and most philosophical spiritual or scientific ideas contain aspects of non-duality, they make no distinction between duality and non-duality because they have no knowledge that there is one. Very often, they teach ignorance AS knowledge. If you cannot discriminate between the two, you will not find permanent peace in this life.
If that is what you are after, then the time has come for you to submit to self-inquiry. Vedanta is the holy grail, but for it to work, you need to be properly taught because the mind cannot free itself of ignorance. No matter how refined your thinking, and clearly, you are a good thinker, there will be interpretations in the way which you will not be able to see.
Epiphanies, like any other experience, can be instructive if their true meaning is understood. If not, the experience ends and you are left with the same amount of ignorance; which is why spiritual people tend to chase experiences like epiphanies. It gives them brief respite from their limited identity, which ends when the experience ends. And the problem is that there is a doer involved – an ego identity associated with the experience. It is the idea of doership that has to go. You need a means of knowledge that teaches you how to think differently, and does not end, because you do not end.
We are qualified teachers of traditional Vedanta, and we are happy to assist you with your inquiry, you are on the right path and have come to the right place. But for self-inquiry to work, you need to submit to the teachings and methodology of Vedanta. It is a progressive teaching that meets the inquirer at every step of their inquiry. I have attached a satsang on the Steps to Self-Inquiry which outlines the process. Follow the steps if freedom is what you are after.
Much love
Sundari
