Hey dear James
Loved the Satsang tonight, hope you guys are well and healthy.
Recently I had a few experiences. A week ago I was at my brother’s house and suddenly “reality” kind of popped out in front of me and I witnessed everything as a show… My brother, his wife who was just wiping the floor.. everything was just experienced as if I’m watching a play/movie and me myself is partly inside that movie and partly out. I felt blissed that I was not “connected” to anything although it felt like I was on some level. I felt intense care and love for them (even toward my brother’s wife who I usually can’t stand..:)) suddenly everything seemed “not serious” or funny in a way. Unfortunately, I got scared of the intensity of the experience and I came back into my body-mind. In the following day or so I walked around my neighborhood and an announcement of a dead person nearby had poped intensely into my awareness. I felt so free for a moment, I felt as if I have reached my purpose… and then my focus turned back into my body-mind.
A few days ago I had my first Satsang. It was pure joy, it is hard to describe:). There were 5 people there. I was so emotional about it because I was scared to fuck it up. But they all seemed to be very happy about it and they want to have another Satsang soon.
I am spending a lot of energy trying to figure out if I should be a fully committed sanyasi or a mother. I think it has a major role in the panic moments I am having. I am greatly inspired by you and Swami chinmayananda and Swami Dayananda. On the other hand, I have sexual desires, the “wife” vasana (which I’m slowly letting go of) and the Jewish mother vasana (the belief that it is my duty to be a Jewish mother). Those vasanas are “telling me” to actively seek to be a mother (look for a mate or to have them on my own). The thought about choosing either path gets me panicked. It is such a huge life decision and I don’t know how to make it and be happy all the way about it, without regrets. I know that I am free and from the self’s point of view it doesn’t matter, but what will truly the right lifestyle for this lifetime, I am not sure. And you said Shankaracharya was a householder, so I wonder if I can “have it all” the freedom and non-dual vision and the family/kids thing.It’s not like there is anyone I’m interested in getting involved with at the moment, but the decision about the matter occupies my mind a lot.
I know you can’t help me have the decision but I wonder if you can give me some advice on how to solve the debate that is happening in me. How did Shankaracharya do it? How did you do it? As always, I would kindly appreciate any response.
Thank you so much, Love
James: It’s great that your inquiry is starting to pay off, that these experiences are happening. Good for you! Here’s my suggestion about the motherhood/relationship/householder issue. There are challenges no matter what path you choose. So either way you need to be a master of karma yoga if you are going to enjoy yourself along the way. It’s all about managing your fears and desires. It’s the only reliable basis for life. The problem with choosing one path or the other is that you are taking a stand as a chooser so you are going to get the karma that is appropriate to that choice. You “become” a sanyassi and you will be lonely. You “become” a householder and you will be exhausted. If you can’t dismiss the desire to be free or the desire to tangled up with the karma of others with the knowledge that you are whole and complete already and wait for Isvara in the form of life circumstances to show you the way, the karma is all on you. The problem isn’t the lifestyle, it’s conflicting desires. And behind the choices the real question is why you can’t see that desire itself is painful and stand above it. I attached a letter that came in this morning from one of my friends, a householder who is just coming out of the householder life successfully with the help of the teaching.
His conclusion about desire is the truth. Eventually you will have to come to that conclusion yourself. In any case no matter what you choose, you shouldn’t make a choice when you are confused. It’s best to keep on the path you’re on because it is starting to work and wait and see what Isvara has in mind. If you meet someone who shares your desire for a family, you should take a year or two to get to know his character. You’re still young. In the grip of passion people are always wonderful. In other words take your time and do it right. The person’s values are the important thing. Just wanting a family is nothing special. Scoundrels as well as saints want families. Some worldly guys make good husbands and fathers and some spiritual guys are useless in the world. It’s always zero-sum for choosers.
Here is the letter. He entitled it “Where Knowledge Meets Denial.”
Dear Ramji,
Just a quick observation. When speaking to others who claim to be on the spiritual path there seems to be a sort of blank spot when the conversation touches on a desire one is not ready to let go of. It’s like a person can follow the logic perfectly up to the point where it meets a wall of justification as to why the object in question should be exempt from the renunciation. It’s very fascinating to me when you see someone trying to squirm around the logic that freedom is freedom from objects. There is a palpable dense energy of ignorance rooted in the obsession with each object. What a gift to be actually convinced that objects will not do the trick. Even if still having to be on the lookout for marauding desires at least I am not under any delusion which requires the mental gymnastics of intellectual justification. Poor bastards. Maybe next life…
You must be continually amused by such conversations I imagine. And how wonderful to witness someone actually buy into the logic and begin the path of deconstruction.
My morning routine has been meditation then contemplation on one or two verses of Chinmayanandas commentaries on the Gita. When I am done I plan on doing the same process with Dayananda’s commentary you sent me. I am finding the Gita to be the most inexhaustible source of inspiration. I wasn’t ready for it before but now every verse seems to speak directly to me.
I feel like I have been asleep for a very long time and I am finally waking up. Stretching my arms rubbing my eyes and looking around.