Be Disgusted with Disgust

Dear Ramij, 

For two years I am struggling with my health and it’s not going well. I had much support from you and the teaching, please bear with me while I share this story. 

As you know I had a sex operation and in my puberty I developed a sense of smallness because of it, I felt ugly and not worthy. 

Having a love relationship was scary and until I was 30, I never had a girlfriend. 

When Isvara created the circumstances for me to go into a relationship, I completely lost myself and was desire driven. The fact that she was a lot younger and not ready, I was blind for it. 

Ramji:  Yes, I’m familiar with your story, Carl.  It hasn’t changed.

Now I am disgusted with myself that I projected a love for a girl out of a sense of smallness and incompleteness, there is a strong feeling of guilt. 

James:  If you enjoy being disgusted with yourself, OK.  But you should be disgusted for carrying this story forward, Carl.  It’s a story that is as old as the hills.  Everyone projects love for others all the time.  It is normal.  So guilt is not appropriate.  What can you do, then?  It is clear that disgust and guilt are unwanted by you (and everyone, for that matter).   Ask yourself is these feelings are helpful.  And the answer is?  No.  So let them go.  Nobody is holding a gun to your head making  you feel them.  I’m surprised that you ignored this teaching.  I have been making this point forever.  Anyway, don’t feel bad about missing this teaching.  Just learn to recognize the feeling and when you are clear that you don’t want it think the opposite thought.  Thank Isvara for setting up the circumstances that led you to the conclusion that it is stupid to expect love from someone else.  Only you can give yourself the love you need.  You aren’t giving yourself love when you are disgusted and guilty. 

Ramji:  Don’t worry about the sex business, Carl.  Or if you do, just do sex but don’t make such a story about it.  Sex is just sex.  It’s not the highest high.  The thoughts about it will go away when you learn to master your mind.  You just have to quit identifying with stupid thoughts.  Guilt is stupid. Disgust is stupid. Sex is stupid.

Please Ramij pray for me that I can release the guilt, its eating me alive, I want to let go. I want to forgive myself and move on. 

Ramji:  What good are my prayers, Carl?  I’ve prayed myself silly about your situation but nothing changes.  You keep carrying this thought that you made a mistake.  Even Isvara can’t get rid of the thought.  Isvara is thinking the thought.  You have to refuse to think it and think a positive thought about yourself and Isvara will see that your mind changes.  Your health will improve when you resolve this issue.

Much love,

Ramji