Roberto: I have a question about relationship. I had already looked at the category Satsang and found nothing. I had a kind of relationship with a woman for the last 6 months. It was a very emotional encounter, and we became extremely close. We were like two magnets. In the beginning she didn’t want to officially get together with me and when it got more and more serious with us in the end I didn’t want to. I was more and more bothered by the age difference. I am 33, she is 44, and she has 3 wonderful children, I don’t have any. The interesting thing is that in the end I was more and more distant from her. My whole perception had changed, and I only saw the negative. And because our relationship was very free and easy from the beginning (we are both Aquarius), I had inwardly focused on a new woman. In the end it was so emotionally painful for me that I ended the relationship. But the funny thing is that I felt so guilty afterwards.
I also saw that I had written down some notes in my notebook about how my dream woman should be. The surprise was that she had fulfilled almost all the points. Except the age and that she already had children. Of course, I miss her too, because she left a big hole in my life. It is a quandary. It feels as if I can’t do it with but also without her. Inside I am so confused that I don’t know which direction to go in. If I wait too long, she will naturally distance herself. She meant that I am afraid of commitment. My ego told me that I was longing for a new woman. I don’t know if it is my task to go all in and give up my wishes despite the age difference. (which is quite difficult) or to follow my wishes. I noticed that when I get closer to her, fear comes up. I have already realized that Ishvara gave me what I wished for. Apparently that is my karma now. Can you give me some advice?
Sundari: We are Vedanta teachers, not psychologists or relationship counsellors. I take it you are an inquirer though, so you must have some knowledge of the teachings. Have you read our advice on how to conduct self-inquiry on the home page of our website? If not, I encourage you to do so. In addition, we have a book specifically on relationships, called the Yoga of Relationships, you should read it. James has covered this topic extensively in many teaching videos. It is a problem for many inquirers as it points to the heart of self-inquiry: ending dependence on objects for happiness and karma yoga.
To commit to self-inquiry, you need to investigate your values and main motivations in life, and, as important, understand the qualifications required for self-inquiry to work. If your desire for a relationship is your most important motivation, self-inquiry will not work for you. Not because there is anything wrong with having a relationship, but the starting point for self-inquiry is the realization that the joy is not in objects. Have you ever investigated why you chase a relationship and then run from it when it gets serious by chasing another one? Does it not seem obvious to you that you are chasing an unobtainable object to make you happy, which never works? What are you looking for, freedom from dependence on need, or do you think you will find what you are looking for when you find the ‘perfect’ person? I can tell you now, the latter does not exist, and the problem is not in the ‘other’ person. You are the problem, or more specifically, your unexamined need and dependence on happiness from others is the problem.
Most people don’t chase a relationship or enter into one for freedom. They do so to escape the feeling of need and dissatisfaction with themselves. Relationships are samsaric preoccupations if they are based on desire and need. Unless you are a proper karma yogi, intimate relationships create bondage. Assuming you are serious about ‘going deeper’ as you say, then entering new relationships is only permitted in the first stage of karma yoga (sakama karma).
In the second stage of karma yoga (nishkama karma) chasing a relationship is not permitted, though there is nothing wrong with having relationships if they are not based on need. In the second stage, you are presumably mature enough to stand up to your desires and dismiss them with karma yoga and with reference to your love of Isvara.
Maybe you do, or maybe you don’t realize that when you commit yourself to Vedanta, you are locked into a predetermined sadhana. You are no longer the boss. You must follow the steps for self-inquiry to bear fruit. The whole point is to bring that wilful self-centred ego into line with scripture, which is Isvara’s words. If the vasana tail is still wagging the Roberto dog, it is important to accept that fact and follow the program of self-inquiry to the letter.
It is very hard for many inquirers is to see love attachments for what they are without making excuses and adjusting relationships according to Self-knowledge, not the jiva’s conditioning and desires. It does not necessarily (though it may) require ending relationships, but simply acknowledging the blind spots and cutting the psychological bondage to and dependence on the people in our lives with whom we have karma, or with whom we want karma.
Love always endures because it is the nature of life, it is who we are, not something we must work to gain. We can never gain or lose anyone we love because we are the love we seek. We only lose the binding attachments to others. Self-actualized people have relationships all the time but the only difference between them and people who need love is that Self-actualized people are never ‘in love.’ They know that Love is their nature so there is no need for objects, which means their relationships are never based on need.
Desires that are not contrary to dharma are never binding. Sathya (that which is always present and never changes, i.e. the Self) and mithya (that which is not always present and is always changing, i.e. everything else) never meet and are not expected to, which is the hopeless quest of people in or chasing dualistic relationships. They are looking for love/security where it cannot be found, in someone else. If you are ‘in’ this relationship, you will be ‘out’ of it one fine day, it’s the law of karma. But, if the relationship is ‘in’ you, that is a different kettle of fish. Â
What is the real motivation for chasing a relationship? You need to work that out. Most people who haven’t worked out the love issue, go for love relationships, and then look for spiritual reasons to justify them.
Roberto: Has James already planned the next live event? If not. Is there any other good Vedanta teacher where you can actually go? (I somehow have time and the need to dive deeper. But with teacher 🙂
Sundari: We are teaching online for the foreseeable future as it is not possible or safe to travel due to the pandemic. But you can join in on the next online zoom seminar from the 11th – 13th Dec, details online. There is no need to have live access to a teacher, though that does boost your self-inquiry when possible. But self-inquiry must be undertaken by you, on your own, with the guidance of a teacher. That guidance works just as well online as in person, IF you are properly motivated and dedicated to self-inquiry. The teacher cannot make you apply the teachings.Â
Vedanta only works if you understand what self-inquiry entails and stick to it by applying the teachings to your life. I have attached a satsang for you to read on the requirements for self-inquiry because I do not think you understand what they are.  Please note that they are not negotiable, assuming your desire for freedom from dependence on objects is more important to you than chasing objects. If the latter is the case, then it is probably better that you put self-inquiry on hold and dive straight into chasing relationships, see how that works out for you. You cannot do both, they are not compatible. You cannot make Vedanta fit into your life, it has to be the other way around. No fine print to that, assuming freedom from limitation is your main goal. When you are tired of trying to get the world to give you what you think you lack and realize that is a hopeless quest, then you will be ready to commit.
If you want private time with us, you can schedule a skype satsang with either of us, we offer them by donation.
Sundari:
Om,
Sundari
