Dear James,
There aren’t many thoughts that move me anymore, but this one doesn’t give me peace of mind.
“Isn’t there still something missing?”
I know experiences are not the way as they always end. I enjoy listening to the teachings, but they don’t reveal anything new to me, which is why I only read or hear them from time to time. But this one thought drives me again and again and shows me that there is still ignorance.
I don’t know what to “do” to work through this question. Should I just listen to the teachings day after day forever? Or is there something else to “do”?
Thank you for serving us the truth in such an appetizing way 🙂
James: You missed the important bit; to accept your identity as ever-free, ever-present always-experienced existence shining as consciousness. If you are the Self the question doesn’t arise and if it does you know it’s just ignorance. The idea that something is missing is only a problem if you think you are a jiva named Dave. So who, or better yet, what are you? Are you the Self or are you Dave? You can’t be both because you only experience yourself as a simple single conscious entity. So you have to exercise your free will if you want to be free. Not choosing to take Awareness as your identity is choosing Dave by default. That’s why the question “What’s missing?” is bothersome.
Once you have heard the teaching “I am Awareness” you need to transfer your identity to it. If you say, I’m Awareness and the jiva is mithya, you are still caught in duality because I and the Jiva are both Awareness. They are the same simple, real ever-present entity. There is only one Self is the teaching of Vedanta.
You say, “there aren’t many thoughts that move me anymore,” which implies that there are some that do. What are they? Maybe life is just too comfortable. You can say that the most important qualification is a burning desire for freedom. It should chase away any other motivating thoughts. If it is the only thought, then your sadhana should intensify when you hear the teaching. You should desire to actualize it because it actualizing it is total satisfaction no matter who or what you think you are.
If your life is pretty comfortable, self-actualization may never happen. That’s the problem with success. In the very beginning of the Gita Krishna makes it clear that going for what is easy and expedient is a big trap. He says that it’s better to go for what’s always good, which may entail a lot of hard work, particularly if you have a big karmic load and a lot of biases. On the other hand if life is good and you know that you are free, then it stands to reason that you want to feel free all the time, which only happens if you are Awareness because Awareness is limitless bliss, totally self-satisfying.
Dave: I am ever-present always-experienced existence shining as consciousness.
How to say, I wanted freedom for the person that want to be free but it is freedom from the person that want to be free.
I wasn’t specific enough, it’s just that one thought and not another. But like you said “If you are the Self the question doesn’t arise and if it does you know it’s just ignorance.”. So the thought isn’t a problem.
The desire for self actualization is great, as was the desire for self realization. It just feels like I can’t really “do” something. So maybe it sounds like my life is very comfortable. But it’s mainly because I’m not afraid of what might happen, because I’m sure who I am. Before the self realization I always looked carefully what was still missing, what I could do for my sadhana and was very disciplined and precise.
Maybe I have to let that go and give time to the self actualization process. And here I have to say that I am afraid that I haven’t done enough. But I believe that if I hear or read the teachings regularly this fear will go away.
James: I think you are a bit too conscientious. You’ve done more than enough already. You know who you are. The Self actualization phase only ends when the body dies, which is in Isvara’s hands. So take the karma yoga attitude to it. I don’t teach and write for nididyasana. I just find these activities more enjoyable than others. There is nothing to actualize. It’s just another mithya story. We are what we are if we are saints or sinners. It is all the same.
Dave: For the past three years I kept asking you similar questions and we kept ending up at the same point. But after your last message, it feels like I’ve arrived now.
It’s amazing to have a Vedanta machine like James. You were my first and last Vedanta Guru. I thank you with all my heart for the revelation of the truth through the teachings.
I will relax and enjoy life, of course, dharmic :).
