Roberto: Thank you very much for your answer. I know that you are not psychologists. And yes, you’re right. I should think about why I have such a desire for a woman. Probably lack of one. I’ve been studying Vedanta for almost two years. I don’t think I need more texts. I need more real conversations with a real teacher. I noticed how intense the last seminar with James was. I could imagine doing it more often to deepen my knowledge. Unfortunately, this is not possible at the moment.
Sundari: The jiva is hardwired to seek joy in objects, and the desire is considered normal, especially for younger people like yourself. As I said, there is nothing inherently wrong with having or wanting a relationship. The jiva’s program is hard-wired to connect with others as we are social creatures who thrive when we have good relationships with others. But the driving, over-powering need for one will not make sustained self-inquiry possible because the mind is too extroverted and distracted by that binding vasana. I call it the love-need whore, and it is highly resistant because it feels so natural. Society encourages it, and we are programmed every step of the way to have the need satiated by the media and the prevailing societal mindset. That is how samsaris think they can combat duality, with more duality. Does it work? Look around you and you will easily find your answer.
As I said in the last email, most people don’t go into or stay in relationships for freedom. They do so for emotional satisfaction, to rid themselves of the pressing desire to feel whole because they feel incomplete. Desire is very painful, but in itself is not the problem. It is the fundamental feeling of incompleteness that is the problem, and the lie, not the desire for a relationship or suffering for the lack of one. Though many people find happiness to a degree in a satisfying relationship, it is not the same as the satisfaction we have when we know we are the source of love, and it depends on nothing. When you love another as the ‘other’ there are so many risk factors at play. The object of your affection inevitably changes and disappoints, as do you. Problems arise because you think you are ‘involved’ with a person, but you are actually only ever involved with their vasanas and they with yours. You can lose your relationship, either by the other leaving or you get distracted and bored.
Assimilating the most primary lesson of Vedanta is hard, the joy is not in any object, and most people are not suited for it. The love/need vasana is arguably one of the toughest of human vasanas to overcome, and many Self-realized people have not mastered it and it keeps them stuck, still subtly looking for love. But, if you are serious about freedom from limitation and suffering, there is no way around facing down this vasana. I think you may be under the illusion that physical contact with a teacher will give you a special answer to this problem, but there isn’t one. Yes, it’s true that having direct contact with James may inspire you, but it is not what you need most. If you have never resolved the needy lustful part of your psyche, you are an emotional thief and the treasure you are after will always fall short. Even if you find it, you will lose it. You need to decide what you want most, obtaining a relationship, or freedom from dependence on objects for happiness? And then to stick to your sadhana if you want freedom more. If it’s the former, don’t feel bad, just go for it and forget about self-inquiry, at least for now.
You cannot mix the two, that’s the bottom line, Roberto. There is no other answer you are going to get from any qualified Vedanta teacher in person or not. That is where the rubber hits the road. You can take a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink, which is all we can do for you. We unfold the teachings and show you the way to the water of life, but nobody can quench your thirst, which is to free you from your vasanas. Only you can do that with the dedicated and committed application of the teachings. You know what the teachings are. They are the same for everyone and never change for anyone. You must fit your life into the teachings, it just won’t work the other way around.
What you need most is to stand up to that pesky vasana. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Give up the idea of seeking a relationship because that is contrary to the most basic entry-level Vedanta, dependence on objects for happiness. You may suffer for a while, but that will pass. In its place will be the relief that you have one less need to do combat with. What is the worst that could happen? Nobody gives us anything or takes it away. Only our own mental and emotional poverty starves us of joy.
If you see the love/need vasanas for what they are and know that they do not belong to you as the jiva or you as the Self, leave them firmly in Isvara’s hands and resolutely stick to karma yoga. Whenever that hungry vasana pops up like an unwelcome cork in the ocean of samsara, whack it instantly with the opposite thought: I am whole and complete, unchanging, ever-present Awareness, and need nothing to be happy. Do not hesitate even for a second. Perseverance and persistence, along with discrimination and dispassion, the two other vital qualifications for self-inquiry, is the name of the game when up against the formidable foe of need. The longer you chase love the longer it runs away from you.
If you want freedom, then remember this: the idea that you need love from another is just a thought, it is not true. Love as your nature is not a feeling or a thought. Thoughts/feelings are just the reflections of love, they are not real love, just like your reflection in the mirror is you but is not you. Love as your nature means you are whole and complete and does not involve another. All others are known to be the love you are. The object is loved for its own sake, not for how the object makes the subject feel. Real love wants nothing and fears nothing. It is self-satisfied. Desire feels like love because ÂÂwhen its needs and conditions are met, the mind is settled and blissful. When its needs and desires are not met, it is a veritable sea of storms, turbulent and dissatisfied.
Worldly love is called kama and its nature is desire. Kama is a high maintenance kind of love and amounts to a sense of ownership. Owning an object makes the lover feel temporarily secure, but fear of loss is always present. A worldly lover (kami) does not love another for themselves. He or she wants something from the object, which produces limiting feelings caused by the behaviour of the love object. No object is ever under your control because of the nature of Maya. Everything and everyone is always changing. Just reflect on how so many people in relationships try to hold on to and control their lovers, and the damage that incurs for both people in so many cases. People in dualistic relationships love an object with desire and do not worship the object. Kama is called love, but it is actually the antithesis of love because real love is free and subject dependent. Kama, desire, is the coin of the realm of samsara and depends on the object, which is why it is never free.
In non-dual love, parabhakti, on the other hand, is subject dependent because love is known to be you, your true nature, meaning Awareness/Consciousness. It is having all you could ever want and knowing that it will never leave you. It is love loving itself. It is limitless satisfaction, parama sukka is the word used in the texts. The nature of the Self is parama prema svarupa. Parama means limitless; svarupa means nature and prema is the love the makes love possible. In its presence, even spiritual love comes alive. Spiritual love, no matter how pure, is dualistic, a transaction between a subject and an object, a feeling of love, for example. When I know I am the Self, I am prema, limitless love. This love is knowledge because Consciousness is intelligent. Prema is only known when Self Knowledge has completely negated the doer.
Again, ask yourself: what do you want most? It’s your call. If you want contact with James, set up a skype meeting with him, which we offer by donation.
Love, Sundari
