Yea. This IS the big one. Even though my wife has made a u turn and now wants to work on herself and the marriage, I have this huge rock in my chest emanating the words “you don’t love me” on repeat.
Ramji: There is only one I and it has no chest, Corneliusji.
I run through the program to try and dissolve it but no dice.
Ramji: The imaginary Cornelilus is sick. He ate some toxic food and vomited. Now he wants to pick through the vomit and see what he ate?
OK. What is this feeling ? It’s just a thought and thoughts come and go. Interesting side note about the differences between thoughts and feelings.
Ramji: Thoughts and feelings are not-self. What do they have to do with you? You’re wasting your time. There’s nothing there, just self-doubt. Man-up! Stand as awareness!
Thoughts are sound bites of feelings turned into language. But feelings can be like someone left the faucet on. Just a steady pressure. Especially with this particular story of being unloved.
Ramji: Isvara’s faucet is always on. Sometimes clean water, sometimes polluted water. What do either you or your wife of you know about love? Attachment is not love.
I know consciously that we only love ourselves because there is only one of us, so of course she doesn’t “love” me. She loves herself.
Ramji: Leave the self out of it. Let’s start over. Life Lesson #1: Nobody can make anyone else happy.
So apparently do I because my only issue in all of this is how it makes ME feel.
Ramji: You have no feelings. This is all imagination. You’ve watched too many soaps. You’re a big drama queen, feeling sorry for yourself. Your self has no feelings. You must be coming on fifty and you care what people think? Who is “my” wife?” You’re only married when you marry yourself. Nothing belongs to you, including the toxic “me” thought. Me and mine are pure ignorance.
If I had total dispassion toward her then it wouldn’t matter. So WHY the big story??? Why does it persist?? OK, run the Vedanta program. Attachment. I am attached. But am I? This issue seems to persist across relationships so how can it be her if the attachment moves from one object, i.e. woman, to the next ( please give me a pass on objectifying women this one time).
Ramji: Attachment is just attachment. It has nothing to do with objects. It is the object that needs to be cut off at the root. Root means as soon as you recognize it. You need total dispassion toward your not-self.
So the issue is clearly Jiva’s issue.
Ramji. You think?
He is unloved and resentful and untrusting and blah blah fucking blah…
Ramji: So what? You’re wasting your time thinking the me thought. It is all blah, blah, blah and you say it hurts?
Omg your mother leaves 35 years ago and it’s the same story. Or is that story just another object that fit nicely into the “I want” program ?? So let’s call it Jiva’s original story. Wanting is the baseline. Wanting love. We see it in children. When they don’t get it they will have issues. So clearly “I” have issues.
Ramji: No you don’t. Clearly you are bored and are manufacturing a sad story to entertain yourself. What’s the use?
But if the circumstances change and the issue persists then the issues are not the issue. Jiva is the issue. But Jiva one day will cease to exist as well. Who is so attached to this Jiva person? I thought the Self was always satisfied ?
Ramji: There isn’t a jiva other than you, existence shining as blissful consciousness. You’re trying to turn yourself in to something or someone else. The jiva that will cease to exist one day, is an imaginary jiva. It won’t exist in the future it doesn’t exist now.
Needing Wanting nothing. But Maya has produced this person who I experience myself to be. For what? For fleeting pleasure and a steady pressure of pain when pleasure in objects is eventually lost??
Ramji: Second Lesson #1. There is no joy in objects. You are the joy. Pack it in on the thought of otherness. It’s a big wank.
At this point it feels like I am dipping Jiva is the wash basin and scrubbing over and over but that fucker won’t come clean.
Ramji: How can you fix something that is as good as non-existent? There is nothing to fix, except your understanding. You are not a doer. Love is letting things be. Picking scabs is not love.
He is insistent on being hurt. It’s exhausting. What am I missing here ?
Ramji: American culture is Maya and Maya is victim culture: those nasty foreigners are trying to steal our jobs. The liberal elites are bad people; they look down on us. They called us “deplorable.” Boo hoo. Indian culture is victim culture. Those nasty white men stole our land and give us firewater. Both nations are like dry drunks sitting on AA bar stools imagining a persistent injustice that never happened. Accept this poor me thought for what it is and move on. This is all kindergarden stuff. Trash it. You can’t think your way out of it.
Ramji: I’m tired of this story. If you want a shrink make a nice donation and we can have a Zoom chat. I will hold your hand and say, “There. There. It’s not so bad. Jesus loves you. I love you (as long as you keep me employed). They done you wrong. She really does love you…etc. etc. “
If you want Vedanta come to my weekly Zoominars. You are tuned in to the wrong channel.
Much love,
Ramji,
Your right 100%. It’s pathetic. I knew it when I wrote it. It’s a story that belongs to a person that isn’t real. I can have fun picking through the shit but it’s unsolvable with that approach. Today I’m remembering that I’m fine. I have already done this work. I was vulnerable to the story being projected at me and fell down the rabbit hole of self pity. I love this path. It’s ruthless self inquiry. Thanks for the kick in the ass. I’m not that needy person. Rereading what I wrote made me laugh. Just a little visit to self pityville. Like going back to drinking just to see if it still sucks. Yep still sucks.
Love Cornelius