Please read this email, diagnose the problem and write a satsang that adresses the issues You can post your satsang in the chat box and we will discuss it. The satsang on Sunday is dedicated to any issues that you may have on an topic. Both Sundari and I will take turns answering them.
Dear Ramji,Â
During your seminars the usual suspect samskara arose (the feelings of neediness, the desperate desire to be liked, worrying what others think, etc) plus lots of ugly thoughts–judging, blaming, comparing, projecting, etc. It was quite the storm going on internally.
These continue and intensify after every seminar as I was out of the lovely sattvic bubble which inoculated me against the worst of the episodes. I got on with my sadhana cleaning up the thinking, trying to strike a balance between being diligent but not being too overly-fanatical about it and having some fun to boot.
A pang of loneliness came up today so I read some satsangs and I ended up reading a few on shame and something struck a chord with me. I’m sure as a jiva I’m not alone in this realisation, but it seems like that one simple word has touched every part of my life and is the foundation of much of this persona I find myself caught up with. It seems to fuel the near-constant worry about others’ opinions of me and drive me to try to get people to like me, which ironically blinds me to their needs and is a real turn off, as neediness is not very attractive!
It’s made me completely self-obsessed and insensitive and over what? Trying to bolster this character that isn’t even real and can’t be changed? It’d be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic!
When this kind of belief arises I am constantly applying the knowledge and the opposite thought, but by God am I sick to death of this thinking, Ramji.
I looked out the window today and I thought, wouldn’t it be cool to just be interested in what was going on out there in the garden with the plants and the trees instead of being so consumed by this nonsense? How nice it would be to not piss away so much time and energy thinking useless thoughts and actually have the capacity to be open to what’s around me instead of trying to extract something from it. Makes me sick thinking that this is my thinking!
But on the flip side, I am grateful because if this is what’s standing in the way of freedom—the stuff I least want to look at—then the fact that it’s being seen so clearly can only be a good sign.
Got any advice, recommendations or observations for me?
Lots of love,
