Dear James,
I hope you are enjoying your travels. I just wanted to check in with you to see if you can help me with a couple of niggles.
James: Very nice to hear from you! Yes, I’m having the time of my life.
Hearing you unfold Vedanta lately ramped up my inquiry. For the first time I know what to do in meditation and samadhi comes easily even when the intellect is a little tamasic. The silence of my reflected self is always present. Also since the seminar, I see now that the array of painful vasanas which have bewitched me for many years are really just the same old tired tropes that the causal body has been trotting over and over again, each time just wearing a different hat. Yet they all boil down to the same few negative identity mantras: I am small, limited, inadequate, bad, weak, etc….
James: Yes. The tree of samsara has a single root that branches into many thoughts. Cut the root and the whole tree dies.
There has also been a shift in my karma yoga practice. Now when there is an agitation in the subtle body, whether seemingly about another person or situation, I know three things: (1) one of these negative identity mantras is operating unconsciously and the ‘cause’ of the agitation is being projected onto an external object (2) I am limitless, unborn, actionless ordinary existence shining as awareness so (3) I can be grateful for the opportunity to get to work on renouncing this erroneous mantra which is causing a disturbance in the body by looking at it in light of the knowledge of what I am.
James: This is a good understanding of karma yoga.
I actually feel the gratitude when this happens now, too because as I understand it this is the fructification of my parabdha karma: the Causal body has been producing these negative identity mantras in the subtle body for so long and the mind has taken them to be true and has therefore repeatedly taken actions to attempt to alleviate the resultant suffering of identification with them. Hence the momentum of these past actions is what keeps reproducing the thought in the mind (not because I actually am weak/small/bad! 🙂 ). Have I got this right?
James: Yes. Indeed. So far so good.
I have begun to lose interest in most things that are not Vedanta so my life is very simple and peaceful and the mind is getting subtler and subtler. Now the vasanas are coming up thick and fast. Just wondering if this is normal? Am I on the right track?
James: Loss of interest of worldly things is a sign of assimilated Self knowledge Yes, once the energy of inqury breaks into your subconscious it activates dormant samskaras. Look for it to continue. It’s also a good sign. With karma yoga, meditation and steady inquiry, the unconscious will settle down as it empties. It’s mostly too much rajas, which is what the boredom you mention below is all about
Also, I have been part of a 12 step fellowship for interpersonal relationships for the past 4 years and it has helped me enormously in all aspects of my life. I took so much pleasure in working that programme and threw myself into it wholeheartedly but I feel I am losing interest in that too. At meetings one is expected to identify as a member of the programme (“Hi, my name is ___ and I’m a ___”) but I don’t see myself as that anymore and I am getting a little bit bored of listening to people’s stories. There is some guilt in saying this. There is also a feeling of owing something to the people who have helped me in the programme. And also some fear that I may be setting myself up for a fall by thinking about removing the safety net by packing in the programme (even though Self knowledge is the only thing that can ever provide real safety).
James: It’s a good program, if a big unsophisticated. You came to Vedanta because you need more robust tools. Yes, the “Hi, my name’s X. I’m an alcoholic” is OK at the beginning. But once you have learned to sin intelligently, it stifles growth because the real problem is identity, not alcohol. “I’m dependent” doesn’t work when the truth is that the I is independent.
The Twelve Step Preprogram has served its purpose. The guilt is caused by the fact that you think that “people” were helping you. They were actually helping themselves. Even if they were helping you they helped because it pleased them to help, so your absence is on them. Anyway most will probably take your absence as the grace of God. People are just Isvara giving you a hand. If they expect gratitude, they still have something to learn. It’s natural to help others. Turn your guilt over to Isvara. It’s a useless emotion Nobody elese’s happiness is linked to your presence in the group.
I can also feel a general sense of boredom in me these past few days and I am not sure what that is…. nothing is wrong and aside from a handful of episodes in the day where the mind unconsciously buys into those same few pesky identity mantras and I get to work wielding the knowledge, everything is calm.
James: Boring thoughts cause bordom i.e. dissatisfaction,which makes X a dull boy. Find some happy thoughts.
It all just seems a little underwhelming… I think I was addicted to the drama and the emotion of the story the vasanas were telling me (it makes it feel oh so meaningful!) and I am a bit stunned and embarrassed at how much I bought into it when the truth is so insultingly simple: it was just a case of mistaken identity. Is this feeling or boredom something you can shed some light on? Should I inquire into boredom as an object?
James: I got the sense that you have a flair for the dramatic. Life is no big deal. It is cheap because there is so much of it. And it is just life, the most ordinary thing. Your self analysis is spot on.
Thanks so much for your time and for everything you and the team do in disseminating this beautiful knowledge.
James: You are welcome, Frank. I never publish the names of the people who write. I go to great lengths to remove identifying details.
Love,
James