I’d like to continue the discussion of another aspect of dispassion that’s near and dear to my professional heart…and that would be: helping people with personal relationships. Healthy personal relationships are not only critical for human thriving and happiness, but also are essential if one is to be successful in one’s quest for moksha. The former, that healthy relationships are critical to health and happiness, may seem obvious; but the latter, or the quest for moksha, may require some explanation.
Here’s a brief review. Moksha is based on a shift in identity from the objects in consciousness, to consciousness itself. An object is defined as anything that you’re aware of, including any objects in the subtle body… like perceptions, emotions, thoughts and the ego ( I- sense). For the sake of this conversation, the object in question is “personal relationships.” Let me clarify this. It goes without saying that personal relationships are a fundamental and necessary part of the human experience. We won’t be eliminating them anytime soon. That obviously is not necessary or desirable. But like any object in consciousness, relationships need to be in their proper place
What do I mean by that? Let me explain. As I said, humans mistakenly place their identities in objects in consciousness, rather than in consciousness itself. This misunderstanding creates an unstable and illusory identity that generates a feeling of “lack” or insecurity. In an attempt to compensate for this sense of lack, we chase objects. Ironically, this only serves to reinforce the lack, worsening the problem.
Let’s see if I can illustrate this problem as it pertains to interpersonal relationships. How does that look? Say you’re in a relationship that you feel compelled to maintain by getting that person’s approval or even disapproval. Either way you’re dependent on that person for a sense of your self. As I said previously, any dependence on objects, including relationships, isn’t going to bode well for resolving the identity problem. Anything that perpetuates this problem is a formula for human misery.
So now what? What’s the solution? The ultimate solution is to recognize our true identity is the Self, unlimited existence, awareness. But to recognize that initially, may be a bridge too far. So an interim solution is to systematically negate our dependence on objects. How does one go about that in the interpersonal realm?
The following are some suggestions borrowed from both psychology and Vedanta. 1-Stop trying to manipulate relationships to get the results you want. 2-Stop using the carrot and the stick to manipulate others . 3-Use praise and blame sparingly. 4-Take care of your karma/ dharma and let the other person take care of theirs: division of labor.
The Bhagavad Gita says, “ Everything follows its nature, so what good is control?” Just follow those wise words and you’ll avoid a lot of trouble. I hope you don’t interpret this to mean you should be uninvolved. To the contrary, the doctrine of Karma Yoga clearly outlines the nature and attitude of your involvement. It exhorts you to contribute your talents to the needs of the total. The operative word being “contribute,” not “coerce”…to collaborate, share, be helpful, not manipulative.
In order to pull this off, your relationships must be horizontal, not vertical. What does horizontal mean? It means simply that one party is not above or below the other. In Vedanta terms it’s called “Spiritual friendship”. It’s not telling people what to do, rather it’s having the confidence that people are equipped to solve their own problems. Anything less feeds the person’s insecurity…further deepening that person’s confusion/ignorance about their true identity…thus perpetuating the problem.
There’s more to say, but hopefully this will help get you started thinking about this important topic. How you manage relationships is a crucial part of human happiness and is absolutely essential in achieving freedom/moksha.
