Sandra: The satsang you gave on Sunday was a very challenging for me. The text feels tailor made as all true scripture is. I think I really need help about ‘unhumbling.’ That’s a tough one, seems so entrenched. I’m super aware that ahimsa is involved towards my jiva and other people. Anyway, opening the inquiry.
Sundari: You know that this is a deep-seated fetus in the womb samskara, and yes, injury is involved. Its root is low self-esteem related to shame, one of the hardest to negate. Being objective about it and applying karma yoga is your only recourse. And I know you do. We have had all the satsangs on this distressing issue possible, going back many years – since we met basically. We have plumbed the depths ad nauseum, there’s is not much more we can offer regarding the teaching that you don’t already know. This is why it is so difficult for a teacher to help inquirers with nididhysana, and most don’t. Actually, I think you are doing great.
But I do understand how hard it is for you that despite your dedication to sadhana, this program is still there, seemingly implacable and impervious to all efforts to negate through knowledge. It may be there for the rest of your jiva life. That is up to Isvara.
The hardest part of the shame/low self-esteem samskara, and the toughest to live with, is the saccharine sweet ‘nice person’ facade. The hidden face of deep dark negativity, even malice, with all the attendant thoughts that come with it. I see this entity appear whenever we are together, usually after 24 hours. It has a palpably hostile presence, like another persona takes over Sandra, which is about right.
I observed it the last time I saw you,, and how skillfully you managed to keep it under control. It’s a beast you know very well, and have done battle with for a long time. You always know when it rears its head, as do we. Self-knowledge is working, make no mistake. But it’s also exhausting to be vigilant all the time, to keep this malignant persona from being seen, and to reign it in to prevent it from causing mischief in your life. There is a weariness in you because of this. The world has done much to disappoint and hurt Sandra, as it does most people.
As I said in the Sunday satsang yesterday, true humility is not about being greater or lesser than anyone, but being unashamed to be authentic, warts and all. To be real, whether we are talking mithya real or Satya real. The importance of humility in managing the insecure little ego who is so inclined to either deny the possibility of its true greatness as the Self, or the opposite – co-opt it in dualistic self-aggrandisement, is vital for the assimilation of Self-knowledge so that the jiva’s life improves. The ‘golden cage’ of sattva can imprison either way, and it is very common in the spiritual world populated with egos either stifled by low self-esteem or inflated by self-importance.
Humility is a vital component of the most important qualification for self-inquiry to work, which is faith in the impersonal, nondual teachings of Vedanta. This you have. But if humility is false humility, it will become a stumbling block. The truth is that we are all the Self. The central message of the great tradition of Vedanta, the sampradaya, offers us is this truth – you are never not the Self. That is the sole take-away, and all the scripture associated with it is simply a means to an end to remove the veil of ignorance, Maya, covering the mind obscuring the truth about our true identity.
In fact, perhaps our greater challenge is accepting this fact, and understanding what it actually means for us as individuals living in this world. To shut off the incessant voices of diminishment, permenantly. All of our problems in assimilating and actualizing Self-knowledge is therefore, related to our personal identity, and what runs it. If the negative ego is in charge, progress will be slow going, if it happens at all.
In your case, you genuinely have true humility too, born of knowledge of the truth of who you are. But its opposite, false humility as a façade for low-self-esteem, the frightened mouse syndrome, is still there too. Because you are genuinely a lovely person and smarter than most, this concoction of conflicting inner demons is often hard to bear, I am sure. The awful thoughts with their Hollywood productions of hell must hijack your mind quite often. Thankfully, you do have Self-knowledge to negate them. Keep at it, one thought at a time.
I wish there was a magic wand to wave to convince the damaged inner child entity that you are beautiful, smart, funny and just plain wonderful, is really, really true. That you can take a stand in this persona as the truth about the relative ‘you’, and upgrade your life narrative. But nobody can do this for you. We can only love you through it and in spite of it, and pray that Isvara in the form of the scripture allows this demonic fetus in the womb to be born, and die. We will happily throw a party for you to celebrate its demise! But we are also happy to love you as is.
My only advice is to keep observing it, as the Self. You know who you are. It’s not you, in any form, and does not come from you, in any form. It is just one of the most pernicious prarabdha karmas Isvara hands out, and it will play out as long as it plays out. So what? It does not touch you, the Self. It’s Sandra’s problem, and you are not Sandra. Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar – surrender it to Isvara. When it pops up, see it for what it is and don’t make a big story about it. Give Sandra a break, cut her some slack. And get real.
We love you, all ways and always
Sundari
