John: It’s been a while. Nididhyasana continues. It was such a great year or two when I had completely refined my life according to the teachings. I was pretty high on sattva. I knew then when the renovation opportunity came along, I was inviting a lot of rajas and tamas into my life. I guess I felt that I’d been high on sattva for long enough so no harm to get back into the world and reinstate the ghostly doer. All I can say now though is that when I manage to turn this house over and get my sattvic lifestyle back in order I won’t be inclined to give it up so easily.
Sundari: Rajas is a great energy to get things done, and sometimes we need to summon up a lot of it to tackle a big job at hand, or to get out of a tamasic bind. But excess rajas always comes at a price, and that is a nice big tamasic slump; if it gets out of control for too long, burnout is inevitable. Not to mention that rampant rajas makes accessing sattva almost impossible. But when rajas is subjugated to sattva, it can be a very useful energy to capitalize on.
John: So, the house and managing to maintain my longest intimate relationship thus far have been tough. I had a few months of therapy recently too which was quite helpful in terms of understanding my relationship dynamics more deeply. On the other hand, even with the karma yoga attitude, therapy can reinforce the jivas sense of livelihood. So, I’m most grateful to Isvara for presenting a therapist and taking him away again in a timely fashion.
Sundari: Therapy has its place, but it should be a temporary means to solve a problem. The job of any good therapist is to make themselves redundant as soon as possible.
John: I have to say though that I’m seriously questioning the relationship. And I have been for a while now, mainly because my rajas/tamas levels are high and causing a lot of depression, anger, and sadness. I then project those feelings onto Helen or my mother. But in truth, I know John is angry with John for not asserting the right values and taking a stand as the Self.
It is interesting to sit quietly when the dark dog of avidya arises from his bed, to watch how it tries to bark at the flying birds of ignorance. There is enough sattva sometimes, to see how tightly woven the threads of truth and ignorance are, and to see how the whole magic show is rigged. Often, I sit with the truth of the sadness, that the ego is too ashamed to accept its own shortcomings so instead it projects it on to those closest to me, my lover, my friends, my mother.
Thank the lord and Vedanta for revealing how the magic show works, for when I see clearly, I am free of falling down the rabbit hat. Although every now and then it is nice to let the magician have his day, and let’s face it, it’s not like I have much of a choice. 🙂
All that said, there are some fundamental differences between our jivas. I’m not sure if we bring out the best in each other. Our number 1 blessing is that we are both dedicated to Vedanta, but I question to what extent. Was her interest in the teaching a sleight of hand to pull me in? I don’t feel she takes a stand in the Self, and I find it harder to stand as the Self in the relationship, there are psychological reasons for that but best not go into them. So, what to do? Maybe one thing at a time, finish the house and take it from there.
Wishing you and Ramji lots of love and thanks for everything!
Sundari: Great email, well thought out, and written. Clearly, the knowledge is working for you. I love the analogy you used for ignorance, the barking dog, and the flying birds, so apt. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what is transpiring for the jiva on the mithya level, and I hear the Self talking here too, objectifying the jiva. Though I also see that the relationship trauma has thrown up some dust, as relationships are wont to do, raising the troublesome jiva spectre with all its abject misery and shame.
I do not know your situation well enough to add much to what you say, and I am sure you do not need any more psychological input. Good for you on that score. Though I would venture to say that depression and sadness are, as I am sure you are well aware, a sure sign that something deeper is afoot. Perhaps the projection of anger onto loved ones stems from the fact that to be true to John you need to face the fact that you do not really want this relationship? Maybe the rajasic house renovation is a decoy? I don’t know, only you will know.
It often happens that when we try to make a relationship work that is not really in keeping with our svadharma and svabhava, for whatever reason, perhaps because we are mismatched and/or we don’t want to face being alone, we find fault with ourselves when there is no fault. The only fault is that the situation is not dharmic for us and causes us to behave in ways that are not in keeping with peace of mind. And this can bring up anger, which is anger at ourselves, as you rightly say (who else could it be), which is projected onto the object causing the tamasic emotional/psychological/spiritual dissonance.
When Self-knowledge is firm and we know our innate independence is what is real and true, anything that sucks us back into the turbulent waters of need and dependence is deeply troubling to the mind who knows itself to be free. This may not be true in your case, this is just my two cents worth.
Much love
Sundari
