The satsang below is written by a very good friend of ours, a Self-realized inquirer, Sarah Vincent-Hoag. She has agreed to share her experience with us on the topic of facing the deepest shadow aspect of the jiva, or personal identity program. I have coined this the ‘Durodhyana factor’ after Durodhyana in the Bhagavad Gita, who represents that hard, resistant, adharmic and most deeply hidden part of our (not) selves. The part we all have that we most don’t want to see or be seen. Sarah shares it not only because she wants to help other inquirers’ with this very difficult and essential rite of passage for moksa, but because she has realized that exposing it is the key factor in defeating it and rooting it out.
I have talked a great deal on this topic over the last few years, and shared my own experience of the encounter with this impactful and painful shadow pratibandika. I know how hard it is for the ego to surrender and give up protecting this fragile and fear-based part of the ego, let alone be transparent about it.
Here is what Sarah has to say about her experience, with my comments –
Sarah: It takes a real friend to “go there” with regards to the “Duryodhana factor”. Thank God for the rare opportunity to have it come up in your presence. I’m feeling great appreciation for you and Ramji in terms of who you are and what you’re doing and how the care that you have is fully expressed, and that doesn’t mean unicorns and rainbows, it means really caring enough to address this. It seems as though the sweeter the packaging, the more Duryodhana is in there – sometimes that sweetness and “spirituality” can be such a cover job for a lot of other stuff. It may fool some people but it doesn’t fool everyone.
Sundari: So very true. The Durodhyana factor is really tamoguna at its worst, and because the fearful ego is so invested in holding onto its good opinion of itself, it will use any disguise that works. For some that is being a good, nice person. A ‘helper’, or a do-gooder. I know I was attached to being a kind person, and I am that. But I also had that deep nasty fear-based part of my jiva character that had to be seen and rooted out. Everyone has this, no-one is exempt because everything is a mixture of all the gunas, and therefore, a mixture of dharma and adharma, ‘good and bad’. That is how the mithya field manifests.
Sarah: I was reflecting a little bit more on this and thinking that what was so incredibly shocking for me during that time when I was with you guys in Spain was the sudden realization that I had no control. The unconscious stuff was coming up hot and heavy and I had really no control over it. Zero. All I could do was kind of white knuckle it and do physical work to mitigate/discriminate the onslaught of really ugly thoughts. And it made me remember something that Ramji said – that being around you guys in your environment, and being with the knowledge so intensely, just brings things out, brings things up. It puts pressure on those parts of myself that usually remain hidden. For me, those hidden parts just kind of exploded out. When I think about it now, the really shocking part was realizing that I have no control. It totally scrambled my brain. It was freaky, you know, because I don’t think I’ve ever had that experience in my life where I just felt like, wow, I don’t even recognize myself.
Sundari: Being immersed in the teachings and around a Mahatma like Ramji will definitely accelerate this process. We see this all the time with people who come into close contact with us. Loss of control is what the ego fears most, and it is also what must occur to break down the door to the guarded prison vault that protects this part of the psyche. When that happens, however it does, there is no stopping what is hidden in there exploding out, as you put it. And it feels devastating. The ego is shattered, unmoored, rocked to its core. It is probably one of the most difficult experiences anyone can have, and the immediate ego instinct is to get away from it, to somehow stop the horrible feeling.
It takes a lot of courage, and a strong mind to ‘go there’, and not many do. For some it would be madness, quite literally, to do so. The mind would fragment and fall apart, losing all its known assemblage points. One has to be fortified with Self-knowledge to assimilate the true meaning, and the great gift of freedom this kind of ego death offers. And it is not about ‘killing’ the ego; it is merely dethroning it from being in charge and reorienting the ego as a servant to your identity as the Self.
Sarah: It’s kind of like that scene in the Bhagavad Gita where Krishna shows both sides; he shows the demonic side and the angelic side. The dharma and the adharma of Isvara as you put it, Sundari. I think you really have to have the metal to be prepared to really look at the demonic side, in real time and in terms of how it effects oneself and other people. And you only know if you’re able and willing to do that when the situation comes up. You can’t just read about it and theorize about it. When it comes down to it, you only know how you’re going to react when the situation actually comes up. I think that’s the difficulty that a lot of people have with this is that it’s just too much, it’s too much for them to process.
Sundari: Again, this is the key issue – accepting that Isvara, therefore the jiva, is both dharma and adharma. There is no sugar coating this, it has to be faced. It feels so intensely personal when all our defences are ripped apart and the ego is stripped bare and exposed for the small mean spirited thought that it is. But if we do have the courage and the mental strength to face it, it is conquered forever because we see it is not personal. Isvara, the impersonal principle, has set up the whole mithya game with all possibilities inherent in it – the full spectrum of guna manifestation, from good/angelic to bad/demonic. We all love to be associated with the good side, of course. But in accepting both ‘sides’, both fall away. You just are the nondual Self, unaffected by any of it. You never worry again about being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because you are dharma with a capital D.
Sarah: At the time it was way too much for me to process so I just had to be with it, observe it. And you have to be kind of a tough ass, ironically, to deal with it, maybe that’s the upside of the Duryodhana – I don’t even really know if it’s the Duryodhana, but for me it’s more like tamoguna, hanging in there no matter what and helping me in some way to just keep going way beyond the point where most people say hey, screw that. And believe me, that’s all in me. That I didn’t run away is God’s grace, the grace of the guru and a jiva with a whole lotta tamoguna. The whole concept of running away is pretty funny, but in the hurricane of emotion that came up, there was a little feral animal in me that just wanted to hide in a hole.
Sundari: Absolutely funny! There is nowhere to run from the unconscious mind, it goes with you everywhere. But try to run is what many do. We have had several inquirers through the years that have done that, and I do not believe it served them well, but we never heard from them again. There is no blame because this is a radical process, and not everyone is qualified for it. You were, and that is by the grace of Isvara.
Sarah: Looking back on what happened, I am so embarrassed about my behavior. It was like who was that person? I don’t even recognize her. Well of course I do recognize her. I feel bad about the way I was behaving, but at the time, I thought it was completely justified. And that’s the thing about the Duryodhana. Stepping on the other side of it and just letting it all be there is really hard: there’s a head-on collision with the shock that I don’t really know me, I don’t really know all aspects of me, the me that isn’t real but needs to be dealt with for the sake of my own freedom and happiness not to mention the whole environment in which this “me” operates. So I can understand why people would just head for the hills when this comes up for them. You have to be really strong just to sit with the pain of it. I mean that’s really a big deal, it’s a really huge big deal. It’s like The most unglamorous thing you could ever imagine. But, my goodness, the understanding and application of this is absolutely necessary for growth. That’s the only way that any of this Vedanta stuff is going to mean anything is when it is translated into real life. But it’s radical and it’s very, very challenging, I think, for anybody. Anyway, that’s my two cents on it. Again, much much gratitude and gratefulness. And I’m so glad that I’m able to talk about this with you.
Sundari: It is and should be embarrassing to finally witness the ego acting out the worst part of ourselves. A healthy disgust is necessary so as not to succumb to the tendency the ego has to make excuses and hide. Yet, as I said above, facing the demonic side of the personal identity is the hardest and most dangerous thing any mind can go through. It is not advisable if you are not ready for it and do not have the guidance of a true teacher to help you through it. Because when the whole ego edifice collapses, there is a feeling of complete disorientation, of loss, and of fragmentation. Some people in the spiritual world know how important this is and believe they should seek a teacher to ‘bust their ego’. But it does not work that way. That only serves to entrench the ego. And some so called teachers can do some really serious psychological damage to vulnerable people. The process only works when Isvara is ready to give you a massive kick in the butt, one that comes naturally, and that cannot be induced. It will come when your circumstances are conducive to it.
Sarah: One more thing that keeps ricocheting around in my head about this is that it’s easy to admit and acknowledge the “not so fabulous” parts of jiva (as you put it) in the privacy of my own living room, by myself. And then congratulate myself for having done that. Or even have heart to hearts with spiritual friends about our shortcomings and then congratulate each other on being open and vulnerable, and taking pride in what special people we are to be doing the “hard work” all the while not even coming close to the real issues. This is all pure nectar for ego and virtue image-building. I did years of shadow work and therapy, and over 40 years of meditation practice and thought I was pretty aware of my stuff. What happened in Spain was profoundly shattering and there was no way I could be prepared for that.
Love you, dear Sundari. Thank you so much for all
Sundari: So true – and as I said in my introduction, this is another the key issue, how transparent one is prepared to be when faced with the DF. If you are using so called ‘honesty’ to virtue signal, you are dug even deeper in the shite! As you say, pure nectar for the ego. But there is no fooling Isvara. In short, if your ego is not eviscerated, you can pretty much be sure that it has found a new way to hang onto its good opinion of itself, and has constructed another shell to hide behind, like a homeless crab. I realised that I had to be immediately transparent when my jiva dark side hit the fan, and I have my teacher Ramji to thank for that. He blazes the way for everyone to witness in this regard. He fearlessly exposes his jiva flaws and emphasises over and over that he was a scoundrel at one time. This is such a gift because only when you can see the whole silly show and accept the ego’s exposure is freedom from it ever possible. There just is no other way. Unless you really were born a saint, and let’s face it – very few are!
Thank you for sharing this very important process with our Shiningworld community, it is a great gift. May you enjoy the wonderful freedom from the fear of the small nasty little self being exposed for ever more, with the natural and innate bliss of the Self shining through as your known true identity.
With much love
Sundari
