Note from Sundari: This is an exchange with Shay over a very important point, see my response below, and the link to our zoom satsang over the issue he is complaining about.
Shay: Thank you for your message
I’ll send you the recording as soon as I can, you know with the rockets/missiles flying here I don’t always have power/energy to do things.
Ok so I thought I was almost ‘there’
‘close’ to Moksha
and it appears I’m not….
you didn’t need to put me down on the Satsang or tell me how bad I Am.
I have done everything that James and Dave told me to do.
I really tried as best as I can
So I thought I was close and I was wrong, was that a reason to put me down or tell me how bad I Am because I had an expectation and then I saw that I was wrong?
I’m going to cut all the places in the video where you put me down
and then I will send it to you
Have you ever wanted something so much and you thought that you were close
And then you found out that you still have a long way to go?
So I spent 25 years searching
and when I found Vedanta I did everything I was told.
I thought I was close and I was wrong…
ok, so you don’t have magic powers and I came with an expectation…
And I asked you ‘twice’ if there is a non-dual meditation I can do…
So that makes me so bad that you need to put me down?
I was polite, I didn’t argue with you on anything you said…
I also have the stress of the war and the rockets flying all over.
You think I can be calm in a situation like this?
I wasn’t expecting this kind of
Satsang
Next Email from Shay
To Sundari: I watched the Satsang last night, please accept my sincere apologies for thinking that you put me down…
I don’t know why that thought appeared to me: Must be my Vasanas….
You were so kind and patient and compassionate, I really appreciate your support and I hope you can ignore that email in which I have identified with a false thought & feeling.
To James\Dave & Sundari: I do feel disappointed because I have been on the path for 25 years and I want freedom more than anything….
I thought that I had the basics down and that I was so close but it appears I still have much more to learn.
To Sundari: I understand it’s a slow process and no one can promise me how long it will take, it’s up to Ishwara…
But I don’t control the feeling of disappointment that’s appearing in me.
Also, we are at war which makes things even more difficult. Not a day goes by that I don’t have alarms warning me that missiles are coming my way and I need to hide in the shelter (and even that’s not a guarantee that I will survive the rocket).
Anway, Dave has helped me so much (bless you Dave) and of course James books, videos and Satsangs.
I also read your articles Sundari, and they have been very helpful and informative.
I’ll keep going and I hope Ishwara will allow me to understand more, I’ll read the three books and allow the knowledge to do it’s work on me.
Attached is the video Satsang you can download it from here:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1P6zA2gjpaK9hFfKeEnxNKrTPoa6ovzuN/view?usp=drive_link
Sundari: Thank you for the video link, it will help others with the same problem – the belief that moksa is an object to obtain. It was a good satsang, no need to be embarrassed about any of it.
It is interesting that your initial perception of our zoom satsang was the exact opposite of what actually transpired. You were the one who was argumentative, kept telling me to keep quiet, and who questioned my teaching as my opinion. Though I warned you that I could not give you what you wanted – which was a magic wand to produce moksa – you were dismayed and disappointed. But sadly, there is no such thing in Vedanta.
If I pandered to your ignorance and gave you soft ball answers, thus preserving your feelings and your belief that you had ‘done everything you needed to do’, I would be failing in my duty as a Vedanta teacher, and failing you as an inquirer. What is required if the inquirer is to make progress is the hard truth of Vedanta. Our job as teachers is to reveal your flawed thinking with reference to the nondual teachings. If your beliefs and opinions are not challenged, what is the point of self-inquiry? You might as well stick with them if you like them better. We won’t argue with you. You either get Vedanta, or you are not yet qualified to assimilate it.
Clearly, what you failed to assimilate from what James and Dave taught you is that moksa is about dismissing the doer – the one who so desperately wants moksa and who thinks he has achieved so much. He is in the way of moksa. The seeker has to be negated. Moksa is not an achievement. It is simply the removal of ignorance – identification with the doer.
It was good that you apologized (for your sake, not mine), but I did not take offence, or saw it as you ‘putting me down’, firstly because I am the Self, and secondly because I understand the mechanism at work: rajas, projection, and tamas, denial. In short, that’s the modus operandi for ignorance. It always seems so very personal and pounces into action when the ego is confronted with something it does not like. But it is not personal. Don’t feel bad about it, see it for what it is – impersonal ignorance. All egos function the same way.
If you can see that, you will see that there is no need for such huge disappointment. Who is disappointed, if not the ego? The fact that the Self is not an object to obtain is very good news. As the Self is the only ‘thing’ that is not an object, and as you know you are the Self (even if that knowledge is indirect), that means you already have what you so desperately seek.
Isn’t that amazing – you can call off the search!
Your only problem is that you don’t yet understand what it means to be the Self. You are still so identified with being ‘Shay’ that you cannot ‘see’ the woods for the trees. The more desperate you get about ‘getting it’, the more freedom will elude you. The only way to get what you want is with karma yoga and complete faith in the teachings.
Here is a suggestion: If you don’t have an altar, make one. Sublimate all your desperate seeking into a devotional practice – worship of the Self – every day, at least twice a day. Light a candle. Read a few pages of scripture, contemplate, pray, meditate, sit in silence – with karma yoga – and relax. There is nowhere to get to. You are on the Vedanta bus. Trust Isvara in the form of the teachings and of life, to ‘do’ the rest.Â
I would also take James’ advice and just live your life. Despite the missiles and the fear, do something that brings you joy. It’s always an option, no matter what. Go dancing, listen to music, love and laugh with friends. Enjoy a good meal. It’s not a crime to be happy. Stop worrying – you can do it.
…because…
YOU ARE THE SELF. You are unborn and can never die. One day, you will understand what it means to NOT be a person who takes himself so seriously. And at the same time, you will have great compassion and fondness for that person, appearing in you, the Self. You will see that –
There is nothing wrong with you, you do not need fixing!!
So, here is a mantra for you:
I am never not the Self.
Put it up somewhere you see it all the time. This is true no matter how much trouble you have understanding that what you have been seeking is not obtainable because you are it.
I have said everything that needs to be said, the rest is up to you now, and the scripture. I will discuss the subtleties and the importance of the difference between the cause and effect teaching and the non-origination teaching on our Zoom satsang this Sunday.
Much love
Sundari
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