A: Had another question: What are the rules that I must follow regarding dating? I feel as though whenever I go to a club, a sense of sadness arises the next day. Is this sadness due to loneliness and longing, or is it due to me violating some norms of dharma that I should not be violating? Just wanted some clarification of the dharma of this area of my life so I am crystal clear about what my values should be.
Sundari: We talked about this in our zoom chat a few weeks ago. It is a pretty common experience most people who are hell-bent on finding joy in objects (any experience) have, but they do not register it. When the mind is under the spell of Maya (duality) it is convinced that solutions to its innate sense of incompleteness and loneliness lie outside of it, in objects. An object is anything other than you. Duality is very good at duping the mind. Thus, when you go to a nightclub or date someone with the underlying unconscious desire to fill a gap that nothing and no one can fill, you are left with a sense of emptiness, even a non-specific kind of sadness.
No object can give us lasting satisfaction, which is what everyone is after. So, people chase experience to gain what they cannot gain, which is the permanent fullness and satisfaction of the Self. It cannot be gained because you already have it. But if you are identified with the body/mind you definitely do not believe that. Self-knowledge is obscured by ignorance, so it cannot help you and you suffer thinking there is something wrong with you, or something is missing. Off you go chasing objects.
From the perspective of Self-knowledge, it is possible to enjoy objects/experiences because you are not expecting them to deliver what they are incapable of doing. You contact objects happily, not for happiness. You enjoy all experiences for what they are—temporary—knowing full well that all experiences end. And you (the Self) are the one and only unchanging ever-present factor. The needy incomplete neurotic person is just an idea appearing in you.
The dharma of dating as an inquirer, especially at your young age, is first and foremost to remind yourself that no one and no experience can make you happy. That’s a tough call, realizing that you must drop all expectations because life is a zero-sum. It is hard to do at any age for the jiva. As I pointed out in our last satsang, the entry-level qualification for Vedanta is the knowledge that joy is never in any object. It IS you, not in you.
Secondly, from a values point of view, non-injury in thought word, and deed is where you need to plug your (personal) self in when contacting the world. This applies to you and to everyone else. Don’t create karma that will injure you or another in any way. Again, not as simple as it sounds because people often make dumb choices without considering the karmic consequences.
As you are still young, the world will call you in many ways, and it is natural that your mind is attracted to all its apparently sexy objects. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just try to sin intelligently, as I advised previously. Remember that though there is nothing to gain and nothing to lose in this world, there is a price to pay karmically for everything if your motivation is desire or fear-based.
Hari Om
Sundari
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