Daniel: In my early youth I was married to a woman that I fell in “love” with. We were together for a short time due to the usual indiscretions of my young ego. We both remarried. She contacted me recently and threw my life into turmoil – unrequited love, etc – and introduced me to James and the Vedanta. It spoke to me as I’ve long been in self-inquiry and we began speaking regularly for hours.Â
My first read of “How To Attain Enlightenment” was read through the lens of “maybe if I do this I’ll get her to love me again” which, of course, didn’t work and I was thrown back into despair and longing. So, time to read it again, this time with the goal of “getting it” as I could see my manipulative ways. I’ve also read the “Yoga of Relationships” and am in the middle of “The Essence of Enlightenment”.
I spoke with James during the last satsang of vasanas and how I’d identified my intimacy vasana attached to her. Through reflection and contemplation for two days alone, at his point (tomorrow it will change again) I’ve been able to reassign the intimacy vasana to my Self. Holding it as an object gives me purchase on managing it as I’m not sure it’s bad and should be destroyed as the Rory MacKay exercise sought to (very helpful, BTW).
Sundari: The intimacy vasana does not belong to the Self; it is pure ignorance of your true nature as the Self. It is not good or bad unless you understand that true intimacy cannot be given to or taken away from you because you are the source of it. As long as you believe it comes from the ‘other’, you are stuck in suffering, chasing objects.
Daniel: Tonight after further reading of the “Tattva Bodha” I find myself more centered and able to distinguish that I don’t “need” her as I am whole in my Self (such a relief!) As much as I enjoy talking to the woman mentioned, I would like to pursue the teachings with someone that isn’t such a desire-laden object. I know there is work to be done there, and I will, but I think my desire for her would reactivate my intimacy vasana and keeping her as an object gives me some faculty in disconnecting from the vasana.
Sundari: This is a good idea and I encourage it; see more below.
Daniel: My last email was written from a very desperate state as it seemed I would not be able to separate my thoughts of desire for her into something more productive. My request was a concession to the decision to cut off contact with her (making TL a difficult experience for both of us). I’m happy to report that there has been a major shift in my perception of her.
First we decided that our conversations would be planned rather than reactionary. My thoughts hung on “when will she call”, “should I call her”, etc. This solution occurred to us both at the same time and, though I look forward to talking with her, I’m not obsessed with thoughts of her. Probably due to the next change.
While riding my motorcycle I couldn’t stop thinking of her and found myself literally yelling out loud at myself to stop the mind f*ing over her. Then the thought occurred to me that, acknowledging her as my teacher, we should have conversations in that spirit. Like Christians do with Bible study. We would frame our conversations around a discussion of a page, paragraph, line, or something from yours and James books as we both are working through the practice of Vedanta.
In our last conversation I was ever mindful of my past desire to get something from her by saying the right thing that I was nearly speechless. I just listened. I didn’t trust myself. I still don’t but now we can interact in the “study” without the desire to revisit our past. I asked her to share a chant with me and she gave me a Deva Premal chant that really helps. This morning before my mind could take hold of me, I changed “OM” for a while and that quieted my mind.
Sundari: This woman is giving you the opportunity to free yourself, so she is your teacher in that regard. But she is not the right person to unfold the teachings to you because of your attachment to her.
Daniel: I just wanted to let you know that I continue reading both “Essence of Enlightenment” and “How To Attain Enlightenment” and though some of it is beyond what I can “grok” I continue reading knowing that the words will get in there as long as I can keep a clear, unobstructed mind while reading.
Thank you both for this great gift.
Sundari: There is not much more I can say to help you with this obsession with your love interest. I think you have some understanding of what the nondual teachings of Vedanta say about this, and it sounds like you are doing your best to apply the teachings to your life, but with mixed results. This is mostly because of your expectations that the teachings will bring about some kind of miracle and rid you of this deep this samskara. One thing is for sure, it’s not going to give up without a fight, as you know.
Moksa is defined as freedom from dependence on objects, and the extreme attachment you have to this love object has nothing to do with her. There is nothing she could give you that you do not already have, even if she were willing to satisfy your craving for her. You may feel better for a short while, but she is not the answer to your craving.
The answer to your driving need for her is the souls’ deep need to know itself. This is true of everyone no matter what they obsess over or chase. The only thing everyone is looking for is an end to the pain of desire, of emptiness, of the endless search. And the only way to end that is with the assimilation of Self-knowledge.
I agree with you that you need to change your motivation in rereading The Essence of Enlightenment. Forget about ‘just getting it’. Even if you do, you will most likely ‘unget it’ very quickly, unless you adjust your expectations. Moksa is not an object to obtain, a magic bullet to soothe the suffering jiva. Though the assimilation of Self-knowledge does remove suffering, it is through the understanding that Self-knowledge is who you are. It is not to placate the ego.
Very smart people like yourself have a tendency to jump ahead of themselves. And we westerners are not well trained in delayed satisfaction, we want what we want and we want instant results. It does not work like that with ignorance, which is hardwired, and very tenacious. It takes as long as it takes, there is no shortcut or fast track to freedom.
Ingrained habits and tendencies are not easy to render non-binding. If you have a burning desire for freedom from suffering, which is freedom from the identification with Daniel, his desires and his story, it requires being qualified, and very dedicated to the methodology of Vedanta, and being properly taught. I talked about this in my last email to you.
You need to acknowledge that you are in the straitjacket of ignorance, duality, which has you by the you know what. It is dangling this delectable love object to drive you mad with distraction for one purpose: to show you the zero sum nature of dependence on objects for your happiness. It is like Isvara is putting up a huge neon sign for you to see.
It seems that you are already on board with the program, so the only solution here is to commit to self-inquiry to the letter, and start at the beginning. And if you do, you must accept that you are not the boss. The scripture is the boss from here onwards. And what the scripture says to you now is this:
If you want to be free of suffering, give up chasing ALL objects. It is just not allowed because it is not going to work. Forget about talking about her or to her, and trying to see her, even if it means not attending Trout Lake. Tell her that she needs to honour this and keep away, too. While it would be of great benefit to you to meet James and be present for the teachings, what is the point if you are going to be distracted by her presence, which you will be?
I could be wrong, but it seems to me that no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you can handle it, there will be a sneaking need to be around her camouflaged by your right to attend Trout late to hear the teachings. You need to go cold turkey on this one, would be my advice.
Obviously it is your decision and you need to follow your own dharma. You can talk to either of us live on zoom at any time, and you can listen to and watch the teachings online. We are here to help you, but we cannot do self-inquiry for you. I am sorry I cannot say more to help you, but the teachings are very clear on this issue. I understand very well the pain you are going through, but you are very blessed to have found the only way out of it. Take it.
Love,
Sundari
