Mary: My identification with the doer is very clear, transparent. And I also see the fear of letting go of that identification. What is it to be without identifying with the doer? What is it not to be a doer?
Sundari: The doer is a thought identified with the body creating a fantasy ‘person’ who believes it has control over what happens. It is the ‘part’ of you convinced it is incomplete, that seeks agency, seeks happiness. It owns people, things, experiences. The doer or ego is just another word that describes the thought that limitless Non-dual Consciousness…You…is a limited separate entity called Mary. It is a thought that arises out of Consciousness, is made up of Consciousness, and dissolves into Consciousness with the removal of ignorance by Self-knowledge.
When that happens, the apparent doer remains, doing continues, but the thought associated with the erroneous identification with the doer is gone. Isvara is the only doer. Doing happens as long as the body lives. The only problem with that is that as long as you believe you are a doer you are subject to duality and suffering continues.
Mary: So, I wonder about faith in the scriptures. If there is trust in the words of the scriptures, why the fear, the doubt, the indecision?
Sundari: Faith in the scripture is fundamental to self-inquiry. Without it, self-inquiry will not work, end of story. You might as well forget about Self-inquiry without faith in the scripture. It is the most important qualification, though all the qualifications are necessary for the assimilation of the teachings. Assuming they are in place (in your case I do not believe they are) and you are totally dedicated to self-inquiry above all (are you?) and you are taught by a qualified teacher (which you are) then Self-knowledge will work. But it takes time, as I have said to you before. You cannot rush the process. There is no such thing as ‘instant’ enlightenment.
It is pointless railing against the mind and its programs. Though you did not create them, the doer cannot remove them. No action taken by a limited entity can produce a limitless result or remove ignorance. Only Isvara, the scripture, can ‘do’ that. Even with all the requirements for self-inquiry, moksa only takes place through the grace of Isvara. Grace is earned, it does not fall out of the sky. It is a gift from Isvara with the application of Self-knowledge to your life as a jiva. Nothing ‘opens the way’ to liberation other than the permanent removal of the hypnosis of duality, only possible through knowledge, not experience.
Ignorance being hard-wired and highly tenacious, if the foundations for self-inquiry are not strong, and all the qualifications are not developed, you need to go back to the beginning. We had this discussion before. So many inquirers in the West have unrealistic expectations about how self-inquiry works, it causes a big problem and keeps them stuck. The Western mind is accustomed to quick results and does not have the innate understanding or humility that the Indian mind has regarding the rigors of self-inquiry. I can understand your impatience because suffering is very unpleasant, but you need to cultivate humility and faith in the scriptures along with all the other qualifications. There is no way around this.
Mary: There is a belief that Mary can do something better than Isvara, without Mary things will get out of control. What can be seen as lack of faith in Isvara and an attempt to save the Mary’s role.
Sundari: This is typical of the ego’s resistance to the teachings. Of course the ego does not like them, they spell its demise. The road to freedom is not easy for the poor ego/doer, it will cling to its role as long as it can. The doer is always afraid, always worried because it is not in control of the objects or results of action. That is why the scriptures call the jiva ‘the one who worries’. In Maya, nothing is guaranteed, and nothing is what it seems.
Karma yoga does feel like death for the ego. It is the death of illusion that there is anything to gain in this world, that we can shore up ‘future’ happiness through people or situations. It can bring about the dark night of the soul. But with death always comes new life. Vedanta is not about destroying the ego, just reprogramming it.
Mary: I started to do the experiments that you and Ramji suggest. When a like or dislike appears in my mind, I ask myself – who likes or dislikes? And when I ask myself this question, I see the like or dislike losing its strength, disappearing.
It is amazing…
Sundari: That is very good, keep it up. Self-inquiry is about putting the teachings into practice with the karma yoga spirit. The scripture is applied knowledge. Just keep at it, one thought at a time. What price freedom? Trust Isvara to remove the ignorance, place it all on the altar of karma yoga.
Mary: Then I ask myself: who is afraid of letting go of the identification with Mary? But that is a hard one… The fear does not disappear so easy…
Sundari: It is a tricky one, which is why self-inquiry requires all the qualifications for the teachings to assimilate. If everything is the Self, then the fear thought is the Self too…apparently under the spell of ignorance! Maya makes the impossible possible. The thing to understand that the Self is never truly under the spell of ignorance, Maya. Maya is not real and not unreal, it is apparently real, which means, as good as non-existent.
Mary: Then I go on: “What would it be like to be here, in Maya, not identifying with Mary? Are you not curious about that?”
Sundari: No, I am not curious about that because there is no Maya in my mind. Who would that be, ‘in’ Maya? Is Maya a place? Are you in Maya? How can Mary be in Maya if neither Maya nor Mary is real? If you are ‘in Maya’ and not identified with Mary then there is no Maya and no Mary, only you, the Self. Maya is nothing more than the hypnosis of duality. It is a superimposition onto you, the non-dual Self. Maya exists only in Mary’s mind.
This is what it is like to be free of Mary and thus of Maya: your identity as the Self is the default position of the mind and you never confuse yourself with the jiva again, not even for a second. This means: you are free of the jiva and free as the jiva. A free person as Ramji likes to say does nothing for happiness but does everything happily. The seeking is over, as is the suffering. You are the sought.
Although a truly free person always stands out because they have such self-confidence and peace of mind, the scripture says that it is very hard to tell an enlightened person from an unenlightened person. They do not necessarily behave differently, on the outside. From the outside, the person remains as Isvara made them, with their inbuilt nature. The difference is all internal, not outwardly visible. A free person being unlimited is free to feel and do anything, or freedom would not be unlimited. There are no rules regarding the behaviour of a free person except that they will always follow dharma without fail because they are dharma, with a big ‘D’. A free person always responds appropriately in every situation.
Enlightened people also differ in the nature of their karma. You will be able to see that their lives are simple, unemotional, drama-free, stress-free, and peaceful, no matter what is unfolding in the mithya world. It’s not that free people do not have desires, but all desires are in line with dharma, and are preferences, not commands. Free people are relaxed, easy-going, and flexible. Isvara takes care of everything, there is no worry or anxiety about anything.
Discrimination not behavior is the mark of a free person even though a free person is no longer a ‘discriminator’. I am not sure if you have been following James’ recent talks and postings on nididhysana, they are brilliant. Perhaps this teaching is premature for you because you have not completed the first two stages of self-inquiry, manana and svrvanna. You still have a lot of work to do on the foundations and on cultivating all the qualifications.
Nididhysana is the final stage of self-inquiry, though it is not really a stage, it is actually the culmination of all the stages. It is so subtle and so important because though the conceptual jiva (Mary) must be negated in light of the teachings, the ‘eternal’ Jiva is the Self. There is no division. Satya and mithya never meet because they were never apart. So, no big shift other than knowledge. Yet, the ‘shiftless shift’ required to assimilate this is huge.
Satya and mithya are mithya. They are a means to an end. Once the Self is known to be who you are, they are redundant because Self-knowledge means there is no jiva other than the Self. If the conceptual jiva survives Self-realization, then it needs to do nididyasana,, cleaning up residual ignorance includes seeing that the teachings that were helpful no longer apply. As long as you are discriminating between satya and mithya you are still a jiva. As Ramji says: ‘Self-knowledge is non-discriminating “wisdom.” “The one who knows, knows.” That’s the end of it.” Even the discriminator is no more.
For a free person, karma yoga and nididhysana are no longer practices as such, just knowledge which spontaneously translate into how they live in this world. There is no karma yoga or nididhysana for the Self. But if there are remaining attachments and impurities in the mind, as they are for you, even if Self-Realization is firm, suffering will not end due to fructifying karma. If a Self-realized person is dissatisfied, it is because they continue to act according to their jiva program. As you know, most actions are motivated by dissatisfaction. If you are truly free of the jiva, desires are always beneficial and creative.
Mary: As I see how I deeply identify with Mary, it shows the failure in the practice of karma yoga… I understand that karma yoga will weaken the identification with the ego, with the mind.
Sundari: There is no way to overstate the importance of karma yoga. You will not make any progress without it.
Mary: Since yesterday I am going through the exercise:
I see every movement as Isvara. Isvara eats, Isvara wakes up, Isvara rides the bike… When I identify myself with Maya or Isvara (a provisory identification) I see that Mary is not strong, the identification with Mary disappears…
And I think: there is no place for 2 identities… And what I feel when the identification with Mary temporarily disappears? Peace… The mind becomes peaceful…
Sundari: The scripture is powerful because it works to remove ignorance. Keep practicing.
Mary: And I think: being what I am: it’s a change of point of view, a change of perspective that takes place in the mind. Is there a resistance to this change? How to break the resistance?
Sundari: You asked this above and I answered it. It’s hard work Mary, and your commitment to sticking to your sadhana depends on how tired you are of being Mary, and of suffering…
Mary: I also understood that the issues that disturb me, about relationships, are nothing more than the result of my ignorance.
Sundari: Cleaning up the jiva’s karma goes hand in hand with the qualifications for self-inquiry, as we have explained many times now. You are torn because there is still a binding desire for satisfaction with your idea of a more exciting partner, as we discussed a few times now in previous satsangs. As I said in my last email to you, if you cannot resist this desire, it might be better to go into it fully. There is only one reason to be in a marriage and that is love, though qualities such as respect and friendship are as important. The love you are seeking is not love but passion, a dangerous quest. You may well find it, but it will burn off, and probably burn you in the process. But you are young. It may derail your self-inquiry for a while though Isvara will most likely bring you back to it, if there is enough mumuksutva.
Mary: From the point of view of the Self, there is no question to be solved…
I understand that are no solutions in mithya… But can I accept what I have already understood?
Sundari: Who ‘accepts’? If you have really understood that there are no solutions in mithya because it is not real, then you have no choice but to accept because the desire for freedom from bondage is stronger than the desire to find satisfaction in the world.
Mary: From the point of view of Jiva, who knows that Isvara is the one who ultimately decides, there is nothing to be solved either… But can I accept that Isvara is in charge, not Mary? From the point of view of the Jiva, that wants to be a Jiva, there is a problem… There would be always something better on the next corner.
Sundari: Yes indeed, there is a problem because if you do not trust Isvara you are in deep trouble because Isvara is in charge whether Mary accepts it or not. Resistance is futile unless you enjoy suffering. See above.
Mary: I think the central point to work on is: do I really want to be myself? It seems that the obstacle is this acceptance, decision.
Sundari: You are yourself Mary. Nothing changes that or gives it to you. You cannot ‘decide to be yourself because you are your Self. That is not the right question nor the central issue.
The central issue and the right question is:
“Do I like suffering?”
Mary: When I was a child and saw a “toy” at the amusement park, I used to get furiously in line to play… When the toy started to shake and throw me from one side to the other, I used to shout: I want to get down, I want to get out… Isn’t that what’s happening here?
Sundari: That is what is happening for the ego, yes. It thinks it has so much to lose, to give up because there are still binding vasanas and the doer is alive and well.
So, you think that the Self is a toy, something to be gained, or ‘won’? If so, you need to start at the beginning with self-inquiry because the meaning of the teachings has not assimilated.
Or put them on the shelf for now and see if the ego is right.
Much love
Sundari
